Everything Now Joe Biden’s Fault

Image: cornstalker via Flickr

As the coronavirus surge continues and the outgoing Trump administration issues a flurry of controversial pardons to protect various administration players from the consequences of their numerous felonies, three out of four Americans agree: Everything is now Joe Biden’s fault.

Before he even takes office, the former Vice President faces bitter hostility from a nation astonished by its own catastrophic freefall. Widespread unemployment, the fact that nearly half the country has gone full Nazi, and even a decline in life expectancy all curtailed the 45 minutes of peace we got to enjoy after Democrats won both Senate seats in Georgia. 

“We’re almost at 400,000 deaths from the corona hoax,” said Kayden Aurora, a vegan yoga instructor turned 5G vaccine truther from Boulder, Colo. “Where has Sleepy Biden been since the election that he unfairly stole?”

Biden’s culpability was regarded as a given by an even larger percentage of Trump supporters. They seemed nearly unanimous in their vitriol directed at the inactivity of a still-private citizen — one whose motorcade was stuck in the turning lane, trying to make a left onto Pennsylvania Avenue once this SUV makes up its mind.

“Joe Biden sold America out to Communist China in 2009 and he’s been doing it ever since,” said Alan Philpott, who was traveling up the Intracoastal Waterway in a boat parade from Key Biscayne and expected to arrive in time to stop the Inauguration by sometime in mid-February. “As far as I’m concerned, Trump never got to be fully in charge, because Biden and Hillary control the Deep State. In fact, he was never really president at all.”

“Also, I ditched Fox for OANN because John Roberts is a liberal and I can’t stand the nasal way he talks,” Philpott added, confusing the reporter on Rupert Murdoch’s network with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and also the actor who voices Linda Belcher.

Others who ventured to Washington had their talking points polished.

“Kraken Dominion Raffensberger Infowars,” said Judy Keller of White Settlement, Texas, a self-described Prayer Warrior for Qhrist. “Burisma Epstein adrenochrome.”

“Benghazi Podesta purple monkey dishwasher,” Keller added.

The president-elect was traveling from his home in Wilmington, Del. Owing to its favorable tax structure and a quaintly oligarchic “Chancery Court” that dispenses with trial-by-jury, Delaware, a nearly featureless coastal plain that the United States has maintained as a sort of political curio since the late 18th century, serves as a place of incorporation for many companies, including everyone you ever owed money to. It is not expected that Biden will do anything about this, nor about the AT&T street furniture that bothers Sam Huggins of Cole Valley.

“That goddamned box on my sidewalk!” said Huggins, who spent three hours on hold with the Office of the Vice President before being informed that she hadn’t been in at all today. “Get rid of it, Kamala!”

New York Times columnist Daffid Berks crystallized the sentiment within the Beltway.

“After armed insurrectionists hoping to murder Mike Pence and his family vlogged themselves storming the United States Capitol then tried to blame it on antifa, the country needs healing — in the form of Democrats quietly crumpling on every policy dispute,” Berks said. “Why won’t Joe Biden extend a little magnanimity in the form of maintaining the status quo until passions cool? It’s just gracious, really.”

The Inaugural itself is mostly virtual and comparatively modest in scale, owing to social-distancing protocols from the ongoing pandemic. Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem, but in keeping with the tense mood in the capital, organizers have dispensed with the pageantry that greeted the previous administration, such as the pitifully small crowd or passing rain shower. But for many, it was too little, too early.

“I’m offended that Biden is even having an Inauguration at all instead of getting straight to work, which won’t something only Breitbart has the courage to say,” said Joan Amarillo-Gelb of Pontiac, Mich. “Why won’t the media report about the things I read in the news?”

Discontent on the left is also palpable. C.J. Bermudez, who runs a Glendora-based mutual-aid network for unemployed microinfluencers in the wellness space, said when they learned that Biden would continue “Pass in Review,” the tradition of standing on the Capitol to assess a troop formation, they were glad they didn’t bother to vote in November.

“Obviously, the next four years are gonna suck,” Bermudez said. “Also, could Biden like, end late capitalism already? It’s bad for my brand.”

Biden, the oldest president upon his Inauguration, was first elected to the Senate from Delaware several weeks shy of turning 30, the minimum age for a U.S. Senator. Aside from the four years of the Trump administration, he’s otherwise served uninterrupted in the federal government since 1973. To some former colleagues, that’s a strong plus. 

“I look forward to the bold thinking Joe’s youth and vigor brings to the office,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein, first elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors in 1969.

“Kill all Democrats!” said a resounding chorus of Proud Boys at an AmeriSuites in Bethesda, Md., Tasering their dicks off at the continental breakfast to show they mean businesses.

“— so help me God,” Biden added.