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SFDPH Recommends Wearing a Mask While Having Sex

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Image: Ketut Subiyanto via Pexels

We still do not have the green light for casual sex or random Tinder hook-ups as we enter the 11th consecutive month of COVID-19 shelter-in-place, and many of us single people can still tell you the exact date in February or March 2020 when we last got any action. But as this lonely shut-in period drags on, some people are still having sex — either in their “poly pods” that seem like a frankly terrible fucking idea, or in their relatively sexless marriages that now seem like sex-fueled honeymoons compared to the sorry-ass situation of us formerly swinging singles. 

Image: SFDPH

But last week, the San Francisco Department of Public Health released its newly updated Tip Sheet for Safer Sex During the COVID-19 Pandemic (Just the Tip Sheet, please, just the Tip Sheet.) And in the money shot of guidance you see above, the SFDPH declares that “Wearing a well-fitting mask that covers the mouth and nose while having sex with other people will further reduce the risk.”

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Thie idea of masked sex is not some crazy, out-of-the-blue shit that the DPH just made up. This precaution has also been recommended by the Public Health Agency of Canada, who advised in September that “When engaging in sexual activity you can reduce your risk by” things like “Skipping kissing and avoiding face-to-face contact or closeness; consider using a mask that covers the nose and mouth.”

The SFDPH updated COVID-19 sex guidance is actually full of very wise and thoughtful advice, but rich with double-entrendre headers like “Maybe you’d like to watch,” “Quicker can be better,” and “Embrace dirty thoughts. And clean surfaces.” And there is useful scientific evidence cited: COVID-19 has been found in semen, saliva, and the rectum, but “ has not yet been found in vaginal fluid.” 

Of course, the safest sexual activity until we ride this thing out is simply jackin’ it to thoughts of that exact date in February or March 2020 when we last got any action.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

1 Comment

  1. Cadence
    February 18, 2021 at 2:02 pm — Reply

    How about get tested for COVID-19, then have sex?

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