ColumnsNewsSatire/Humor/Comedy

Here’s Why Turning 30 Sucks

Updated: Dec 16, 2021 11:40
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Growing old sucks. That’s not news to anyone, but no amount of sage advice can prepare you for the subtle ways your body reminds you that you’re going to die. I recently stumbled upon this revelation. Well, it wasn’t really a revelation. Elders have always warned the young that youth fades, but until yours starts to fade, you never really listen. I was sitting on my bed during a work related Zoom call and I had gotten up too fast. Upon standing, I felt a small pop in my lower back followed by an immediate pain that made me flop onto the bed. This was my first time that I truly began to realize I’m no longer in my 20s. 

But there were other, less dramatic indicators before my back decided to shit its pants. 

Back in my late teens and early 20s, the idea of a hangover was vague at best. I would drink until I ran out of alcohol or blacked out. The next day I’d feel slightly groggy, but after a cup of coffee, I’d be ready to do it again. That is no longer the case. At around 25, hangovers went from slight grogginess to feeling like I had been hit by a car

Back in my late teens and early 20s, the idea of a hangover was vague at best. I would drink until I ran out of alcohol or blacked out. The next day I’d feel slightly groggy, but after a cup of coffee, I’d be ready to do it again. That is no longer the case. At around 25, hangovers went from slight grogginess to feeling like I had been hit by a car and the perpetrator, for whatever reason, maybe to add insult to injury, had a litter box in the trunk of his car. Why did he have a litter box filled with cat shit in the trunk of his car? That’s a great question. The man is clearly a psychopath. Anyway, after hitting me with his car, he then popped the trunk, and took a big scoop of this cat litter, which, as I had mentioned, was filled with cat shit, and poured it into my mouth. He also called me fat upon getting back into his vehicle. That’s what my hangovers felt like after my mid-twenties. 

Sex is cool and all, but have you ever had cold pizza? Sorry babe, but pizza is bae.

Another thing that decreases as you age is your sex drive. Early twenties me was aroused at the slightest breeze while late twenties me has turned down sex because I ate too much pizza. Sex is cool and all, but have you ever had cold pizza? Sorry babe, but pizza is bae.

I also kinda don’t care about the “new,” whatever that is anymore. Being 30 often means you logically understand that something is popular. You’ve heard about all the cool shit the kids are talking about, but the novelty of it does nothing for you. Yes, I can technically make TikToks and listen to Travis Scott, but why would I? Is it lit, Travis? Is it really? To make matters even stranger is that many of the trends now, and music that corresponds with them, are recycled from the 90s. Machine Gun Kelly made a pop punk record and it was #1 on the billboard charts. Rap rock/Pop Punk is back I guess. Fred Durst would be proud, but no one else should be. And this is coming from a guy who listened to the Insane Clown Posse as a kid. Actually, I still listen to the Insane Clown Posse. Being an ICP fan in your 30s (if you’re cursed with any semblance of self awareness) is kinda like being in Chuck Paluhniuk’s Fight Club. Rule #1 don’t talk about it.  Keep the ‘whoop whoops’ indoors where employers can’t hear them. Or at least where I can’t because I might whoop back and then we’re just embarrassing each other.

Download a mental health app and schedule in three cries a week. Which shouldn’t be hard, we have plenty to cry about. We’re millennials, all we ever had was our youth and that’s almost gone. 

Oh yeah, you also have to really start caring about your health. This is around the time shit like diabetes, high blood pressure and other weird shit starts to pop up. So stay away from the soda, go on walks, masturbate regularly, download a mental health app and schedule in three cries a week. Which shouldn’t be hard, we have plenty to cry about. We’re millennials, all we ever had was our youth and that’s almost gone. 

We’re probably never going to be able to tell anyone to get off our lawns since we likely will never own any property. So, on behalf of the millennial generation that is slowly fading into the obscurity and unhipness of adulthood, get the fuck off our timeline. We survived the great recession! We occupied Wall Street and all we got was Joe Biden and student debt. 

Good luck, Gen Z.

You’re fucked. 

Sincerely,

A 30 year old memelord.

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Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff is a San Francisco-based writer, editor and digital content creator known for Bay Area Memes, a local meme page that has amassed nearly 200k followers. His work has appeared in SFGATE, The Bold Italic and of course, BrokeAssStuart.com. His book of short stories, personal essays and poetry entitled Don't Drown on Dry Ground will be available early 2022.

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