Spider-Man: No Way Home Spoilers I Kinda Remember

Much to Sony’s delight, the latest web-slonger movie just had a record breaking opening weekend with $260,000,000 at the domestic box office, and over $600,000,000 worldwide. Pretty decent for a sci-fi sequel of a movie about an orphaned loser from Queens that was gifted a form-fitting suit by a rich eccentric philanderer, secretly, in his bedroom. And people question the relationship of Batman and Robin.

Anyway I, like most red-blooded Americans, couldn’t wait to see a British 20-something play a New York teen that battles monsters and such. However, as I tried to enjoy this marvel of Marvels, I was instead bombarded by annoying happenstance and unbridled rage.

WARNING, SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE CURRENTLY IN THEATERS AS OF WRITING THIS ARTICLE

OK So the previews are over, and Tom’s Holla Land and Euphoria are swinging around the city, picking up from the end credits of Far From Home. An Alex Jones-esque J. Jonah Jameson is played once again by the human cartoon J.K. Simmons. Jameson tells everyone on the news that Spider-Man’s real name is Tom Holland, and that he murdered Donnie Darko. 

At This Point I Remembered I Forgot My Gum Drops, So I Went to the Concession Stand

I waited in line for like 10 goddamn minutes. Then when I got up there the high schooler working there was like ,“Uhhhhhh I’m so fucking dumb I don’t know what those are duhhhh I don’t think we have any errrrrr I’m big ol’ dummy with a stupid shirt.”

So I really started to lay into him about how the fetus in his vaccine would turn him into a gay frog before the manager walked up. She assured me that there was a Gum Drop shortage due to COVID. I then curled up on the floor on my back, pulling my legs and arms to my chest, like a dying spider.

OH Hey! That’s Sherlock!

I got back into the theater and there were two British actors doing one passable American accent on screen. Tom Holland was whining about some stuff or another. Sherlock was like, “I got you dawg.” He tries to make a spell to make people forget that Tom Holland is Spider-Man, but then old Tom is like , “Nah dude, I’m good.” 

Sherlock gets mad, and is like, “The fuck you mean you’re good? You know how much work I put into this? Sit down, have a coke, have a smile, and shut the fuck up.”

This Is When They Pulled Me Out of the Theater

The usher started yelling at me about how I wasn’t allowed to film the movie on my cell phone or something dumb. I kept trying to tell her that I wasn’t recording the screen, but a video of how cool my pants look in the dim light. I pour that glowy liquid from cracked glow sticks on my pants every 15-20 minutes when in dark situations. I have a tendency to have night terrors even when awake when in a dark room. After they confirmed my video was in fact just of my pants and no audio, I was permitted to finish the film so long as I stopped shooting video of my pants.

There’s an Old Philippine Woman Yelling in Tagalog at Andrew Garfield a Spider-Man Costume

I assume she’s yelling because Andrew Garfield, famed clepto, stole Tom Holland’s suit. Oh wait now Tom Holland’s nerdy best friend Millhouse opened up a portal and Tobey Maguire is there. I guess Millhouse knows magic now somehow. Tobey Maguire does not seemed shocked at all this is happening. I’m guessing this happens regularly in his life. They all agree to go see Tom Holland, who is crying on a rooftop.

I Guess Aunt May Died

That’s a shame.

Whole Bunch of Villains

There’s some Green Goblin, some Lizard, some Doc Ock, Some Sandman, and some Electro. I feel like I’m forgetting someone. The three Spider-mens fight and at first they are losing but then Euphoria and Millhouse show up and are in danger so then all the Spider-men fight better. They more or less win, but then Green Goblin is like “Boo” and stabs Tobey Maguire. This seems to not matter fairly quickly. I zoned out during the last bit as I got entranced by Willem Defoe’s IMDB page. I always forget he was in the Last Temptation of Christ. Next thing I know it’s over.  Alls wells thats ends wells I’s guesss.

Post Credit Scenes

One is a trailer for the upcoming Sherlock Holmes sequel Dr. Moronity’s Good Time Variety Hour. The other one has Bane covered in an anthropomorphic black ooze. Some of the black ooze is left behind in Mexico, presumably on its way to murder Tom Holland.

Overall I give it a B+. You won’t be mad you paid half attention to it.