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The 17 Jokes Your Server is Tired of Hearing

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When some people go out to a restaurant, they suddenly think they’re a comedian auditioning for their own special on Netflix. They’ll reach into their dusty bag of Dad jokes and serve them up one after another. They think they’re channeling Kathy Griffin or Dave Chappelle when really they’re giving off serious Louis C.K. vibes – sad, unfunny, and creepy, or a combination of all three.

Servers have heard it all. And here are 17 of the “jokes” they don’t ever need to experience again:

“There must be a hole in this glass because my drink is empty.” Is it an attempt at humor? Yes. Is it remotely funny? God, no.

“The bill? We didn’t order that!” The amount of effort it takes for a server to laugh at this so-called joke is hardly worth whatever the tip will be.

“I just printed this hundred-dollar bill. I hope the ink is dry.” No server is impressed by a hundred dollar bill and any bill that is even slightly damp probably just came out of a bra.

“I’d like a waitress to go with the dressing on the side.” This isn’t funny, it’s creepy as fuck.

Pointing to a single grain of rice and saying “Can I get this wrapped up?” or saying “I hated it” as the server clears an empty plate. Gluttony is hilarious!

“Your sign on the door says this restaurant is short-staffed, but you seem pretty tall to me.” A classic Dad joke that surely embarrasses anyone who is dining with the person who said it.

“Can you stand on the menu, because if you’re on it I’d like to order you.” Again, this is pervy, gross, and uncalled for.

“Are you working hard or hardly working?” Pleases save this line for friends at the office that can laugh their asses off around the water cooler.

When the server hasn’t been to the table for ten minutes and the customer says “We thought you got lost.” It’s petty and a passive-aggressive way to make the server feel as if they are bad at their job. Anyone who says it, isn’t really trying to get a laugh, they’re just trying to be an asshole without looking like an asshole.

“This steak took so long, did they have to slaughter the cow?” Another pathetic attempt to complain in the form of uproariously unfunny wisecracks.

“I don’t need sugar for my coffee, I’m sweet enough.” This one is usually uttered by little old ladies, so it can slide. But it’s not amusing.

“I’ll have the halibut just for the hal-ibut.” This one-liner makes Henny Youngman roll over in his grave, throw up in his skeleton mouth and then die all over again.

“I’m so full! Got a wheelbarrow to wheel me out?” Another classic Dad joke that’s inoffensive, but more worn out than a hungry power bottom at an all night bukkake party.

“Can I get a diet water?” Next.

“Oops, I forgot my wallet. I guess I’ll have to wash dishes.” Maybe this was a thing in the 1920s, but it’s not a thing in the 2020s. Besides, if the bill is $70 and the minimum wage $7.25, who the hell is going to wash dishes for nine and a half hours to pay for fried cheese, two cheeseburgers and a few beers?

“Get me a rubber band sandwich and make it snappy.” Anyone who says this joke deserves to have a rubber band aggressively snapped on their genitals. Repeatedly.

Answering any of these things when the server asks if anything else is needed: A million dollars, the winning lottery numbers, a new car, or you on a plate.

Some will say that servers should be appreciative of customers who use these jokes because they’re just trying to be nice and friendly. After all, it’s infinitely better than having complete and total assholes for customers, right? While servers do appreciate the attempt at humor, they just want to see little bit more originality and effort. Be a Tig Notaro, not a Jay Leno.

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Bitchy Waiter

Bitchy Waiter

Darron Cardosa is a writer, actor, singer, and waiter. He lives and and works in New York City and enjoys "The Brady Bunch," "The Facts of Life" and cocktails almost as much as he hates your baby.