HousingNewsSF Bay Area

Where Can You Buy A Home In SF For Less Than A Million Dollars?

Updated: Dec 15, 2022 08:11
The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

San Francisco is a city of dreamers, but it can be an absolute nightmare for your wallet. It’s not unusual for SF to land among America’s most unaffordable cities, oftentimes at the top of the list. Despite the obstacles impeding one’s ability to be a homeowner here, people still try to live a foggier version of the American dream in the City by the Bay. 

The question is: What neighborhoods in San Francisco can someone find a single family home for under a million? 

Yes, I’m talking about single family homes. I’m talking about the original ‘American Dream’. ‘Ya know, a place with a garage and a backyard and other shit that people in San Francisco see as luxuries. What I’m not talking about is some soulless condo with HOA fees that cost more than the average mortgage. You can still kinda find those for under a million, especially in SoMa.

I’d also like to point out that a million bucks is a shit ton of fucking money, but for San Francisco, it’s entry level shit. I’m not kidding. I sometimes feel like I’m the only person who’s not a millionaire in my building. And it’s easy to feel that way as SF has more billionaires per capita than any other major city in the world, including financial heavyweights like NYC, Dubai and London. Facts like these function like intrusive thoughts when I walk around downtown and the lovely bay breeze blesses my nose with the scent of stale urine. 

I am a regular window shopper on Trulia. I fantasize about a life where I can afford a house. The Bay Area dream is different from the American Dream, or even the California Dream. The dream here is rarely home ownership, but of a rent controlled apartment without roommates. 

But let’s pretend you’re a millionaire… on a budget. Which is an awkward fucking phrase to even type, but like I said, this is San Francisco and shit is different here. 

So you’re a pretend millionaire, and I’m a pretend real estate agent who just snorted a line of coke to perk up from the Xanax I took the night before to combat my cocaine induced anxiety. You come to me and say “Mr. Woodliff, I am a software engineer from the Midwest, and I have a modest one million dollars which I would like to purchase a single family home with.” I then look at you and say “follow me to my Tesla.”

We then walk to my car and the first thing that you notice is that my windows have been busted out. I then nonchalantly pop the trunk of my Twitter-mobile, and pull out a small hand broom and dustpan set that I keep with me since this happens every day. I then sweep the broken glass from the passenger seat of the car. You, the observant client, then asks “why didn’t you sweep the broken glass off of your seat?” I then look you directly in the eyes and reply, “don’t kink shame me.” You awkwardly chuckle and get into my car as I give you the SF budget home ownership tour for struggling millionaires.

So, what neighborhoods, according to my research on Trulia, am I going to take you to? 

The highest density of single family homes for sales under one million is in the southernmost section of the City. With the highest concentration in Bayview-Hunters Point and Visitacion Valley. 

Bayview/Viz Valley: 

There are actually a lot more houses in this section that fit the criteria than I expected there to be. The best looking one is just under a million at $998,000. The house isn’t a fixer upper and actually looks livable. That’s another problem, even in this relatively affordable part of the city, a lot of the homes that are under a million are in poor condition. 

Excelsior/Crocker Amazon:

I have a soft spot for this area because my great grandparents on my mother’s side came here from Italy, they first settled in the Excelsior before later moving to the Mission. After doing some research, I found out my grandmother lived on Madrid St. The Excelsior, especially the section of Mission Street that runs through it is kinda like the Mission District minus all the hipster shit. I like it. The best looking place is also at the very top of the budget at $999,000.

Ingleside/Ocean View: 

I don’t know much about this neighborhood other than that Cellski lived there and I like some of his songs. It used to be called Lakeview, but then they changed the name because the area was rough back in the day. Dregs One is also from there. Here’s a house that’s actually really fucking nice for $988,000.

Sunset/Richmond District: 

This was not a neighborhood I’d expect to see on this list. All the other areas have been historically working class, and, to an extent, still are. The Sunset and Richmond are actually hella nice and always have been. While options under a million aren’t abundant, they kind of exist. Here’s a decent one for $995,000.

I can’t afford any of these, nor can you, but it’s nice to pretend.

FOLLOW MY WRITING ON INSTAGRAM HERE

FOLLOW MY WRITING ON SUBSTACK HERE

FOLLOW BAY AREA MEMES ON FACEBOOK HERE

FOLLOW BAY AREA MEMES ON INSTAGRAM HERE

PURCHASE MY BOOK HERE

Did you know it costs us over $10,000 a month to run Broke-Ass Stuart?

And we wouldn’t be here as a resource for you if it weren’t for the over 600 people who support us on Patreon and PayPal. If you find anything in this email helpful or important, we hope you’ll become a member of the Broke-Ass Stuart Patreon.

You’ll be helping our team continue to deliver community-focused journalism to everyone.

Plus, depending on what tier you join, becoming a Patron gets you anything from random silly postcards from Stuart to free merchandise from our store.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Elon Musk Booed Off Stage at Dave Chappelle Show in SF

Next post

Killer Robots And The San Francisco Supervisors Who Love Them


Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff - Bay Area Memelord

Abraham Woodliff is a San Francisco-based writer, editor and digital content creator known for Bay Area Memes, a local meme page that has amassed nearly 200k followers. His work has appeared in SFGATE, The Bold Italic and of course, BrokeAssStuart.com. His book of short stories, personal essays and poetry entitled Don't Drown on Dry Ground is available now!

1 Comment

  1. Luciano Mezzetta
    December 15, 2022 at 12:45 pm — Reply

    From the time I was years old to the time I was 14 I lived in the Silver Terrace area, on Apollo Street. 1952 through 1959. It was a great place, good weather, and cheap home prices. Diversity? Yeah we had that: Italians, Blacks, Irish, Maltese. The streets in the Bayview are named after Roman gods. There is no need to live in the fog.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *