San Francisco’s Top 5 Fertility Idols for Spring Worship

Bang bang kiss kiss. (Nick van den Berg)

BY MATTHEW BELD

Much like the swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano, Jesus has made his annual trip back to heaven. Ramadan is well underway and the Paschal Lamb has been slaughtered. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have hosted their Hunky Jesus and Foxy Mary Contest and the Catholics can eat sweets again. It’s official: Spring has sprung. And to celebrate the season, here are five pagan idols (not the bar) in San Francisco with a ritual you can use to spark your fecundity.

Abandoned Street Corner Mattresses

There are few forces stronger in this universe than that of a San Franciscan’s belief in waste management picking up their unwanted furniture. The stained mattress that’s been on your street for over a week is a testament to that faith. A sweaty symbol of late-night passion, it shouts that intimacy doesn’t have to be glamorous, or even cleaned up with a towel. Light a candle ten feet away and go make some decisions you’ll regret. 

The Doggie Diner Dachshund

For reasons I will not go into, I hate dachshunds. But this fiberglass icon transcends what we know as canine. The Doggie Diner statue off Sloat Boulevard and 45th Avenue is a lighthouse for voyeurs everywhere. Don’t be mistaken, this statue likes to watch and it genuinely enjoys everything it sees. Celebrate your exhibitionist side in theoretically warmer weather by getting frisky in your car or in the bushes near the San Francisco zoo. 

Any Ruth Asawa Wire Sculpture

Ruth Asawa is a legendary San Francisco artist and if you haven’t heard of her, ask yourself why and then do some research, you philistine. She created wire sculptures that are fascinating, accessible, and evoke sensual, organic shapes, with several in the De Young Museum and at SFMOMA for your consideration. Take some shrooms and admire the swells and shadows cast by each sculpture. Realize your own curvy body is just as beautiful, then go get railed. 

The Gospel Billboard

Nothing says hop in the sack like thoughts of your impending demise and divine judgment. This billboard campaign asks us if we are preparing to meet God, which I find aggressive and threatening, two wonderful aphrodisiacs. I don’t recommend calling the number, unless you want to join a new cult, which might lead to some interesting group sex. So, maybe do? Reflect on the meaningless void that is death then, to mimic that state, have some blindfolded fun with yourself. The struggle is part of the journey. 

The Flagbearer’s Butt in “The Hope for the World Cure” Mural 

The Hope For the World Cure mural is a gorgeous tribute to the strength and resilience of the Castro in the face of the AIDS epidemic, with a bright message of hope for the future. It features a beautiful Dykes on Bikes couple that reminds us of the integral role lesbians played during the 80s and 90s AIDS crisis. It also features a stacked rainbow flagbearer with ass for days. Eat some peach cobbler (gluten-free and vegan if you must) while doing your kegels. Then shudder at the dark ages when fat asses were considered ugly. 

Bonus: The Salesforce Tower

Dick jokes aside, the Salesforce Tower is a massive erection for tech in San Francisco. While some have called it phallic, gaudy, or an eyesore, it’s also a symbol of the oppressive masculinity we still experience in San Francisco and beyond. It’s historically understood that men have ruined almost everything and the Salesforce Tower said why not add a city skyline to that list? Eat a papaya out while maintaining dominant eye contact with the tower, then donate to The Drag Defense Fund to combat anti-drag legislation the country over. 

Matthew Beld (they/them) is a non-binary writer and comedian based out of San Francisco. They have performed at Bawdy Storytelling, BawdySlam, KQED StoryCorps, Submission Comedy, About Last Night, and are practicing their skills at the famed Hysteria Comedy Open Mic. They write and teach with sketch comedy troupe Killing My Lobster and, starting Summer 2023, they’ll be co-hosting a new queer open mic in the Castro. They work as a queer researcher and health educator providing gender and pronoun training for clinical health providers.