Sheng Thao Should Lean Into Being A Villain…For Comedy

Sheng Thao – Credit: shengforoakland.com

Oakland is having a moment, and not in a good way. Whether it’s the Juneteenth mass shooting at Lake Merritt that left 15 people injured or the FBI raiding Oakland Mayor Sheng Thao’s home, things in ‘The Town’ are looking kind of down. 

With so much happening in Oakland, you would think the mayor would say something as it happened…but she didn’t say fucking anything until almost a week later. Sheng Thao, a mayor I kind of defended in an old article, couldn’t even be bothered to post a Thoughts and Prayers tweet for the shooting victims.

She wasn’t even pretending to care. Which is as shocking as it is kind of…refreshing.

As I’m writing this, she’s back, and she gave a poorly written speech that was structured like something I’d write satirically. She mentioned the victims of the mass shooting at Lake Merritt and did the typical American politician talking about a mass shooting song and dance. She then, I shit you not, spoke about the accomplishments her administration has made in the last 18 months. She didn’t say what they were, and I’m not sure what has changed since her taking office because Oakland also had a mass shooting…at Lake Merritt…during Juneteenth…in 2021. 

We all know that politicians really don’t give a fuck and I would have liked to see Sheng Thao lean in. She was pulling a Where’s Waldo when the city was metaphorically on fire, and I was honestly impressed. I don’t know where she was. I hope somewhere fun, maybe somewhere classically corrupt politicians hang out…like South Beach. I hope she was soaking up the Miami sun, dreading the return to the Bay Area’s ever-present overcast. 

When she came back to public life in the Bay Area, I wanted her to be a fucking villain. I wanted her to be in a Nissan Altima. I wanted the trunk of the Altima to be filled with stolen catalytic converters. I wanted her driving with the front seat pushed all the way back so when she pulled up to the press conference, it almost looked like an autonomous vehicle. All you would see was the tip of her nose hovering above the bottom of the driver side window. 

As she stepped out of the vehicle, the two massive subwoofers in the back would be so violently loud that you can’t even hear the lyrics of the song. 

She would take the stage, pull out a thick ass blunt and would light it after two or three flicks like she was Lil Wayne 2011. She would then take an obscenely large hit, but she wouldn’t fucking cough. 

She would then look directly into the camera and say “As it has come to your attention, my home was raided by the FBI, and after consulting with legal counsel, we have concluded that the only appropriate response is… Fuck the police.” She would take another hit of the blunt that looked to be rolled by Snoop Dogg himself, and say with conviction, “ There’s a saying in Oakland many of you have heard – ‘Town Business’ and I will continue to respect the legacy of ‘Town Business,’ but I’m in charge now. And I will do things my way. We call it Thao Business.’

She would then walk off stage as reporters surround her with questions, but she wouldn’t say anything. She would get back in the Altima, turn on “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar, and drive off into the sunset.

That’s how the press conference should have gone. 

She should let the billionaires in San Francisco and the feds know… It’s Thao Business. 

This article is satire.

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