Missed Connections for the Murder Averse

I have posted a Missed Connections exactly once, and the weird thing is, it worked. I was watching TV and saw a guy in the audience on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, decided he was adorable, wrote a post, and by some miracle, he saw it. This was exciting and amazing until the second date, when it became apparent that, um, this person and I made no sense together. Around the second date it also occurred to me that Missed Connections is similar to modern day hitchhiking, in that everyone thinks it’s harmless until Jeffrey Dahmer shows up, and then suddenly it’s like, maybe this whole system is slightly flawed.

I should disclaim that my Missed Connections did NOT turn out to be Jeffrey Dahmer, and everything was fine. Still. Missed Connections is a weird, creepy landscape, where the potential to date a person you held two seconds of eye contact with on the L train, then naturally assumed was your SOUL MATE, could lead to either romance or a brutal, horrific murder.

In a more probable outcome, it could also lead to a lot of general internet mockery in your direction, since most Missed Connections posts are absolutely retarded. Thus, before posting one, there are some things to consider.

1) There is no such thing as fate, or your one true “soul mate”

What was so awesome about this person? The fact that they were reading War and Peace, and, OMG, so are you, sort of!! … Err, no. I’m sorry, but this is not a sign the two of you are destined to be together. The guy who makes my bagels at Bagelsmith also loves bacon, egg, and cheese on toasted whole wheat, but, despite this amaaaazing commonality, we would not make a good couple. Because I am taller than him.

2) Do you have an even remotely narrow description of this person?

If your main identifying characteristics are: brunette, wearing a red flannel shirt, listening to her ipod on the Graham stop, do not write this post. Because that is every hipster on the Graham stop, ever.

3) Could they be an axe murderer?

Go with your gut. My gut usually has reservations about unibrows, forehead veins, and any sort of cranial scars.

If, after considering the reasons this post will be pointless, you are still forging ahead, good for you! Deluded persistence will probably come in handy during this relationship anyway. So let’s start drafting your MC.

Step 1) Learn how to fucking spell

Subject/verb disagreements and misspellings happen to the best of us, but the moment they become a damning indicator of your intelligence is when the errors approach, say, 20 percent of everything you type. If you write a 500-page novel and it contains one typo, no one is going to hold that against you. If in the course of THREE sentences you manage to misspell five words, you are a moron.

Step 2) If you’re an ass man, by all means, disclose that

Be honest. If you feel the fact that you’re normally an 'œass man,' but, in this one instance, are willing to make an exception and become a boob man, just for her (AWWWW!), that’s definitely something she should know.

Step 3) But don’t over-compliment

Say one thing about her being cute and then leave it at that. It’s creepy and weird to go into minute detail, even if it’s about a non-douchey body part such as eyes or hair.

Step 4) If your MC responds, pick a well-lit, non-desolate place to meet

Just in case. Casually inform your emergency contact where you will be. And I would advise keeping your expectations low, because it might seem like the universe brought you together for a reason, but, in actuality, when you find out his favorite band is Fall Out Boy, you’ll be glad the universe probably doesn’t give a shit.