Presidential Candidates Before They Were Famous

Before they were famous and attracting the national spotlight, these four presidential candidates had diverse and interesting past lives.  We at BrokeAssStuart.com spent minutes researching and going ‘behind the podium’, for this exclusive look into the lives of America’s leading presidential candidates.

From Pearls to Presidency

Recently released FBI files revealed that Hillary was leading a bit of a double life.  Before she was leaning in and seizing the throne, emails on her hard drive confirmed a long history of romance with a certain show business frog before she married former President Bill Clinton.  We Reached out to the frog for comment on the two’s romantic entanglements but he only released this statement: “I did not have sexual relations with that pig.” – Kermit The Frog.

From Eagle To Hawk

Before he decided to go into politics and get rid of his unibrow, Ted Cruz’s had his dream job working for the FCC. He loved the thrill of imposing ‘values’ on the public. He was not well liked back then either, he was always beating the drum about ‘decency’ & ‘law & order’, and many saw him as full of false outrage and hypocrisy. Even Kermit hated him.

Before You Felt The Bern

Back in the 1970’s Bernie played an old cantankerous critic on television who boldly vocalized unpopular opinions against the famous and powerful.  Nothing much has changed other than the estrangement of his former partner Waldorf.  The duo broke up in the early 1980’s when Bernie decided to run for Mayor of Burlington Vermont.

From Lab Assistant to Media Darling

Before his reality TV career, Donald played a lab assistant named “Beaker” on tv.  At the time Beaker was thought to be unintelligible but when it was discovered that his ‘beeps’ were in fact morse code, and that Beaker was saying things like “Mexicans are rapists”, and “I’m building a wall in my bedroom”, and “I’m going to start my own beauty pageant”, The Donald was fired by the network.  Since then he has invested in a lot of real-estate and gone ‘full orange’.