The Hipster’s Dilemma

Hipsters have it rough.  They are cursed by the fashion gods.  For example, it takes a lot of time and effort to achieve that “I don’t give a fuck about any of this, and no I’m not posing so my ass looks just right in these skinny jeans” look. Furthermore, they have a lot of issues with the clothes themselves.  This isn’t grunge for fuck’s sake.  These clothes are seriously high maintenance.  So what’s a hipster to do?  Even if you don’t admit that you indeed are of the hipster breed, you probably have adopted some of the more widely popular hipster styles.  Here are some of tips for how to deal with the issues that arise from dressing like the cool kids. You’re welcome.

1. Shrinkage

Nothing hurts worse than pulling your beautiful plaid shirt (Goodwill $2) out of the drier to find that it would now fit your puggle.  After you cry your tears of grief, pick yourself up and begin the search for the new perfect plaid and try one of the following tips: a. Air-dry that motha. b. Just don’t wash it.  You can’t smell much beyond that whiskey/cigarette stench you’re already rocking, so why bother?

2. The intricacies of skinny jeans

These wonderful, skin tight pants are a staple of any hipster wardrobe, but are logistically difficult.  The obvious hurdles are wang placement, butt crack issues, and getting on and off of your fixie without pulling or ripping anything.  The most embarrassing and challenging obstacle is gracefully removing your jeans, especially in moments of passion.  Nothing is less sexy than tipping over while taking your pants off, or flying across the room after a failed attempt at removing a hotty’s overly snug denim.  I wish I had better advice for this one, but the best I can say is practice makes perfect.  That and hopefully your significant lover will be too into it/wasted to care about a few technical difficulties.

3. Body suits

These sexy spandex onesies are all the rage and can look super rad with just about anything from American Apparel, but how the hell are you supposed to pee in these things???  The ole pull it to the side like a bathing suit method works well enough, if you don’t mind getting a little urine on your hand, but doing a number two is out of the question.  To avoid any serious issues do your business before you get dressed, and if all else fails, invest in one of those ingenious 90’s versions with the snap-crotch.

4. Mistaken identity

Sure, you look oh so Davy Crockett chic wearing your giant furry hat in the crowded, hot bar, but this trend is actually very dangerous.  When paired with a fur coat, as it so often is, you run the risk of being mistaken for a bear and being tranquilized by animal control.  The threat increases significantly when one or more of your friends is also rocking their fur chapeaus. My advice would be to pair your ensemble with something bright orange. Neon is in right now anyway right?

5. Identical spectacles

At the end of a lovely day of shooting the proverbial shit with your hipster homies in Mecca, it’s time to make the trek to Benders.  You look to the middle of your circle where you’ve tossed your sunglasses earlier, and to your horror, they’ve multiplied.  Once you’ve convinced your stoned ass that your Ray Bans have not in fact cloned themselves, you realize that all of your friends have gotten their identical shades mixed in with yours. Being a sunglasses swinger would normally be no problem, but that pair has sentimental value, as you found them for $5 at the Oakland flea market and you’re pretty sure they’re legit.  In the future, try red nail polish.  By marking your glasses with a dot of polish you’ll avoid these awkward situations and hold on to that special pair.  It worked for telling my turtles apart when I was seven, so it’s fool proof!