Arts and Culture

Tweet Your Way Into the Emmy Awards

Maybe the Emmys will be funnier than my show

Jimmy Fallon is hosting the boring Emmy Awards on Sunday and he’s letting folks with too much time on their hands write some of his introductions. Tomorrow (Wednesday), NBC will announce a partial list of presenters. Then it’s up to you to concoct witty intros and tweet them to Jimmy so he can say them on national television. This is your chance at 15 seconds of fame. I know that’s not as good as 15 minutes, but let’s be honest: your perverted answers won’t get chosen anyway. Fallon gave this weak example: “@blahblahblah says Jon Hamm is the hottest guy of all time. Here he is, Jon Hamm.” I’m pretty sure you can do better than that. Let’s practice with some of the idiots likely to grace the Nokia Theatre stage. Here are my lame attempts. Leave your better ones as comments!

Shy Ronnie

“Please welcome Andy Samberg, Emmy-winner for mediocre skits on a variety show that was funny 15 years ago. Samberg’s saving grace is his girlfriend, and my personal hero, Joanna Newsom.”

“Here’s Matthew Fox, a dude that takes Lost so seriously that he cannot be taken seriously himself.”

HOWWWWW???

“Now dating Jason Sudeikis, this next presenter gives hope to goofy-looking guys with great personalities everywhere. A fifties housewife with a stripper’s name, here’s January Jones.”

“Next up are Tina Fey, the best lady ever, and Tracy Morgan, as threateningly/heartwarmingly nutty in real life (just ask Oprah) as he is on 30 Rock. This duo is the perfect nausea suppressant after seeing Taylor Swift & Taylor Lautner do pretty much anything.”

“Also from 30 Rock, welcome Alec Baldwin, the only man suave and hilarious enough to be forgiven for abusive parenting. Take a cue from him, Mel!”

“Nominated for an incomprehensible 19 Emmys, here is the cast of Glee, a show that makes you want to rip your own eyeballs out just so you have something to throw at the screen.”

Why are your clothes still on?

“Put your hands together for the leading men of Breaking Bad and Mad Men, Bryan Cranston and Jon Hamm. The former makes you piss yourself in horrified anticipation and the latter makes you have to change your panties for a totally different reason.”

I tried to find y’all a FREE Emmy viewing party in San Francisco like they always have for the Oscars, but apparently no one gives a shit about the Emmys (except Kathy Griffin, who wants an Emmy more than anyone else on the planet. To be fair, she’s pretty much the only person who deserves one. If for nothing else than when she was asked her decorator to get her a couch that John Mayer would bang Taylor Swift on.). So if you don’t have a tv, coming up with your own intros will have to suffice. If you DO have a tv, I still wouldn’t necessarily recommend watching this four-hour shitfest.

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Chloe - Pennywise Reporter

Chloe - Pennywise Reporter

Chloe's youth was split between California and Kauai, frolicking on a macadamia nut farm in the tropics and landing finally in the Bay Area. Raised by super-Jew hippies, and the youngest of three sisters, Chloe learned early the virtues of thrift, economy, and green living. To the chagrin of her parents (who hoped, of course, for a Jewish doctor or lawyer), Chloe has put her degree from UC Berkeley to great use by becoming a folk singer. As "Chloe Makes Music" she plays shows throughout SF and beyond, donning vintage frocks, selling handmade merch, and pinching pennies as she sings for her supper. Calling Berkeley home for the last six years, you can think of Chloe as the website's East Bay Correspondent, opening your eyes to the hippie-filled, tree-hugging, organic-loving, vegan-eating, but way-overlooked and awesome assets of Berkeley, Oakland, and beyond.