I never watch the Golden Globes. I know its important to the careers of the nominees and I do find the results to be an interesting barometer of what the larger culture thinks is significant in the world of entertainment. I also think its soooooo boring. I find out the results on the Internet the next day anyway and the only other thing that matters is the fashion which I’d frankly rather not sit in front of the TV for 5 hours for.
It was a night of hits and misses as usual. Let’s take a look!
Drew Barrymore: MISS
Girl, I feel for you on this one. I also sometimes get dressed and everything looks find and I’m like “Weeeeell….maybe if I just added a giant cocktail ring/hairbow/third scarf…” And then things get out of control. This usually happens when I’m getting dressed stoned. So yeah, I get how maybe for a minute before leaving you were like “This dress makes my body look amazing, but what if I just take some of those pieces of coral I found in Malibu last weekend and…here….aaaand here. Ready!”
Chloe Sevigny: HIT
Normally I can’t stand your ass Chloe, so it’s taking a lot for me to admit that I’m into this. I can’t really tell why but I am. I think its the color on you, but I’m feeling the inventiveness of the cut, too. Mostly though, I am into the fact that you knew exactly what to do with your hair, makeup and accessories. You kept it simple, stupid, and for that I am happy to honor you.
Christina Aguilera: MISS
Well, I don’t know what any of us were expecting. This is a woman who wore assless leather chaps, after all. That being said I don’t know if coming to a nice awards show dressed like a cyborg prostitute is a step up or step down from the DIRRRRTY video. She bugs me here because I actually think she can look really beautiful. Someone should tell every blonde woman in Hollywood that Marilyn Monroe isn’t the only cultural/stylistic touchstone they can reference.
January Jones: MISS
That being said, neither is Ms Gulch from The Wizard of Oz. Do you think she’s so tired of looking like prim perfect Grace Kelly on the show that she was like “Fuck it. I’m gonna go with glam Funeral Director”. Even the guy behind her is like “What was she thinking?”
Joan Allen and Sadie Friedman: HIT
Not a whole helluva lot to say here; you both look Grecian and lovely though. Joan: Thanks for making sure your daughter dressed in an age appropriate fashion. And kid, with a last name like that you’re goin’ places!
Amy Poehler and Gob Bluth Will Arnett: HIT HIT HIT!
You know what, guys? Amy Poehler coulda worn JWoww’s banana hammock top and Will a barrel with suspenders, and I still woulda been like, “Yeah!” Why? Because I love these two and wish they would adopt me even though I’m old. Amy looks bangin’ in red and mad classy, too, with that black belt, because full on dresses in Valentino red can get kind of boring outside of the mid 90s. Will looks smashing, too, even if he is thinking “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Jennifer Aniston: HIT
Real Talk, Rachel: You’re boring. You are, like, a walking yawn. A cup of Vanilla yogurt and a diner house salad. And what do you do without fail everytime? Boring column dress, strappy sandals and hair like you just came from the beach. So no, there’s nothing particularly revelutionary about what you’ve got going on here, but here’s the thing. I feel like you’ve perfected that boring uniform of yours. The dress is marvelous, the leg slit and the one shoulder complement each other so well and show off your admittedly beautiful body. The hair is a little more interesting than it has previously been and your makeup looks pretty good. So nice one, lady.
George Clooney and Whomever She Is: MISS
Yes he’s retardedly handsome and wears a suit and a tux like they were invented specifically for him. But, what of the girl? George Clooney could have any woman in the entire world, yet he consistently turns up with girls with trampy arm tattoos who look so happy because they were able to switch their shift at Senor Taco’s Casa de Margarita Madness around so they could attend this nice event.
Christina Hendricks: HIT
I can’t tell you how shocked I was to see this on so many “Bad!” lists. Really, guys? You think this looks bad? First of all, take it from Li’l Kim, it’s pretty fucking difficult to have huge ta-ta’s and carry it off with class at a nice event. Christina looks like the sexiest, classiest iteration of Jessica Rabbit I’ve ever seen. She’s like an ad for Woman. Yeah maybe the dress is a little Peaches N’ Cream Barbie as a writer I happen to love noted. But that said, she’s making it happen. She has done what all women should always do when they want to look really nice: taken her best features, complemented and highlighted them and accessorized with elegance and subtlety. I literally cannot take my eyes off her. You’re the big winner tonight at the casino, Christina.