Twenty-nine years ago today, an angel descended from the heavens to bestow upon this earth a boy of unequivocal wit, humor and conceit.
You should’ve seen him. Big, bright eyes. Rosy cheeks flush with innocence. A smooth, pinchable ass. And while those first two characteristics have evaded that boy in recent years, the last one still holds true. Just ask his future hubby.
All right, so that boy was me. But you’re not allowed to crucify me for my undying self-love. Not today. Because it’s my birthday, bitches – and I do what I want.
When I was younger, I threw one helluva birthday party, invited all my friends, and drank my face off until I puked in the sink of a local bar just to make the waitstaff clean it up. But I’ve grown up since then. Now I wouldn’t dream of making the waitstaff clean up my vomit. Instead, I’d discreetly retch, wipe off my mouth and vehemently deny that it was me who blew bits of buffalo wings all over the porcelain basin. It’s true – maturity comes with age.
Too much to drink at my Fourth 21st Birthday Party
To be honest, I haven’t had a formal birthday party since my fourth 21st soirÃ©e several years ago. (For chronology’s sake, the bathroom sink incident was my first 21st.) These days I opt for a more demure celebration, primarily with myself. I’m good company – the best company I know, actually. And what better way to ring in more wrinkles than to shun the people who love me in order to spend more quality time with, well, me? This year I’ve got a full day of activities planned – and every last one of them are FREE.
Ya see, somewhere along the line I started signing up for every customer appreciation club known to man – and when birthday time rolls around, the deals start pouring in. Today, I’m taking advantage of them. Yes, all of them. Just. Because. I can.
Starbucks: A week or two ago, I received a postcard that said, “We noticed your Star was shining brighter the other day. Must be time to celebrate your birthday.” Flattery will get you everywhere, little mermaid. And your FREE drink will help get my day started.
Dave & Buster’s: I’m a big fan! I love the Super Trivia game – mostly because I can whip some major ass (and that’s pretty much the only time that happens). So I’m taking my $5 worth of FREE game play, as part of my D&B Rewards membership, and heading down to the Times Square location so I can answer general knowledge questions with the three other losers who’ll likely be there around 11 a.m. Win some, lose some.
Ruby Tuesday: Sign up for Ruby’s So Connected club and you’ll get a coupon via e-mail for a FREE handcrafted burger and fries for your birthday. No purchase necessary. And it’s valid for dine-in or RubyTueGo. Lunch is officially on them.
Regal Theaters: If you purchase an Entertainment Book – which I highly recommend, since it pays for itself in movie discounts alone – you’ll find a coupon inside for a FREE flick on your birthday at Regal Theaters. The Regal in Times Square isn’t showing anything in IMAX right now, but if it was, that’d be the movie on my list. Those movies are at a premium, and I want to get the most out of my coupon. Still, my choices aren’t half bad – “Death at a Funeral” or “Iron Man 2.” Help me decide!
Cold Stone Creamery: After lunch digests and the movie returns my appetite, I’m heading next door to redeem by coupon for a FREE Like It Create Your Own Creation, which includes ice cream and one mix-in served in a cup. My fave? Mint chocolate chip with mini-gummi bears. Seriously, it’s fuckin’ amazing!
GYM BREAK: Shut up. So far I’ve had Starbucks, a burger, fries and ice cream. And now my fat ass needs to go for a run.
Cheap Shots: According to multiple, reputable sources on the Web, this East Village dive celebrates birthdays the traditional way – by feeding birthday boys and girls FREE drinks. You don’t have to tell me twice. But I’m not truckin’ it all the way down to 1st Ave. for a lonely pint. Armed with my iPad (an early present from my bebe – thanks, bebe!), I’m throwin’ back swill for the duration of whatever movie I downloaded last night. Consider yourself warned, Cheap Shots staff.
SHOPPING BREAK: I got a pocket full of gift cards – and I know how to use ‘em. On the agenda are Williams-Sonoma, The Container Store, and Crate & Barrel. Unless you wanna get hurt, get outta my way.
City Crab and Seafood Company: If you register for City Crab’s Insider Club, you’re not just getting e-mail promos for on-the-house shellfish but rather a host of deals from Branded Restaurants’ entire repertoire, including Duke’s and Big Daddy’s. My birthday coupon is good for lunch, dinner or brunch, up to a $40 value. Two people must dine, so the most economical way is to go at happy hour (Mondays to Sundays, 4 to 7pm; Fridays and Saturdays, 10pm to midnight) when apps, cocktails, and select wines and beers are half price. My bebe is sure to thank me for saving him so much money!
Not enough to drink on my 25th birthday.
What else is in store for me today? I can’t be sure. But I do know that it will be FREE (for me, at least) and it will be fantastic.
At least bebe better hope so.
Or else his late-night present will remain in its package.