Disclaimer: Urinating in public is against the law. (It’s also really nasty.) If you get caught by the police performing this act of nature then you will be charged for violation of 153.09 of the Health Code or 116-18(6) of the New York City Administrative Code. Also, that is not me in the picture, that is in fact my evil twin, Mr. Maximum Wage. (He’s rich.)
Okay guys, it’s Saturday night, you’ve had a lot to drink and now your bladder is ready to blow up like a Michael Bay film. What to do? First, let’s weigh out your options.
1. You Can Find A Bathroom – Shouldn’t be too hard unless you’re bar-hopping or the current venue you may find yourself at is congested with an army of men draining out the main vein. Nevertheless, time is of the essence and you must make a quick decision. If the bathroom line is too long or if you find yourself begging or having to buy something to use the bathroom, move on to option number two.
2. Ridiculous Pissing Technique – Let’s be honest guys, peeing should not be an Olympian sport. If you have to lay down next to a car, contorting your little friend sideways while trying not to pee on yourself, you’re making things harder than it should be (plus, you might be bringing unwanted attention to yourself). Pissing in a newspaper may get messy and peeing inside a cup/bottle is great but I don’t want my little man in a dirty newspaper and I don’t usually walk around with a cup/bottle. Now remember, we’re in a hurry so there’s not much time to think, so move on to option three if you’re not comfortable with three.
3. Pick A Spot in Public – For a man this is like a rite of passage. I remember the first time I took a leak in public. I was three years-old and I had to go. I told my mom and she just took me to a discreet corner and covered me while I whipped it out to unleash holy toddler hell on public property. There I learned the first and most important lesson in urinating in public; picking the perfect spot.
Sometimes it’s easy to pick the perfect spot, sometimes it isn’t and sometimes you just don’t care or have no choice. I personally like to pick the easiest choice and that’s a car. All you have to do is hide everything from your waste down and unzip. While you’re there you can be on the look out for cops, the owner of the car or just enjoy the view. I have one personal rule when doing this. One, I don’t pee on the car or anywhere near the driver’s door (it’s bad enough I’m essentially peeing on someone’s car). This spot comes in handy with our scenario. Also the bigger the vehicle, the less likely anyone will notice.
Our next spot is easy but hard to play off because cell phones have become so mandatory in our society. Yes gentlemen, the phone booth. What we do here is we snugly park ourselves in the phone booth, pick up the phone (placing it on either shoulder as it’s held between your head and said shoulder) and we act like we’re using it to talk. Pretty simple and much more discreet.
These next two areas are hard to come by depending where you are because parks and a building’s garbage area can be difficult to come across and depending on how large or small they are, they may present some problems. The problem with parks is the fact that there may be children or the park is just too nice and well maintained that you may appear as a criminal just by walking by it. Then there’s the garbage area of buildings that might only be open to the residents or the building’s superintendent might just be nearby. So just remember that the super may attack you and that low income neighborhood + shitty looking park = safe spot to piss.
So what did we learn here guys? Be discreet, don’t bring attention to yourself and don’t make urinating more difficult than it should be. I didn’t want to leave women out of this discussion but I’m neither experienced or equipped to advise you. Lucky for you I found this cool video to help you out. Remember everyone, pee safely.
Photo Credit: @LouisVuittonBum