Now that spring is here and presumably more warm weather, you may find yourself going to Baker Beach in the Presidio. You’ve got your beach towel, your jam box, your cooler full of tasty beverages…but it just doesn’t feel like enough. You want to feel unbridled, you want to feel the ocean breeze…everywhere. Well then, get naked like many other delightful SF freaks. Here are some guidelines you should follow in order to keep the rest of the beach from avoiding you.
1. Head North
If you wish to disrobe at Baker Beach, turn right and head north toward the bridge, this will take you to the decidedly more naked end of the beach. That means if you would like to see far fewer penises and vaginas, head south. If after heading south you are still seeing breasts, well hey, at least you tried, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube I always say, and that leads us to rule #2.
2. Don’t Bring Your Impressionable Pre-teen
…or you’ll have plenty of time to relax at the beach whilst they are in therapy twice a week until they are 18
3. Naked Ball(s) Games Around Food
If you are a 50 year-old naked man, wearing nothing but a baseball glove and Oakley sunglasses from the 1990’s, you are not allowed to have a game of catch in front of my picnic area. I get it, you’re ready to mingle, you brought two baseball gloves to the beach, and now a darling little old man wants to throw the ball around with you. TOO BAD! You can’t do that 10 feet in front of people who are eating, take it down the beach fellas
If you are normally translucent or have a relative who’s surname starts with a Mc or an O’, you must apply SPF 30 or higher, ESPECIALLY to parts where the sun don’t usually shine.
5. All Boobies are OK
There is no discriminating against age or body type, sorry haters, there’s no bouncer regulating a public beach, so be open minded, and ready for all shapes and sizes.
6. You Are Not Sharon Stone
7. You are not Janet Stone
8. No Shirt Cocking
I know, I know, this is going to KILL your adventurous and disgusting love life. No one cares, there’s no sex at the beach during daylight hours, there are some weird people here who brought their children, and therapy is expensive, so show some patience