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Why You Should Fuck a Writer


Art by Jon Stich (@jonstich


Why You Should Fuck a Writer

or The Pleasures and Perils of Loving a Creative Person

Fuck a writer because he can make you hard or wet just by typing. Kiss him because he can turn a one night stand into a life defining poem. A weekend fling into a highly praised novella. A short love affair into a best selling book. Grab his hips so he can turn that rainy night in a Dublin hostel into three stanzas that speak to the heart of lust and loneliness everywhere. He will use literature to undress you. He will use his words to turn you on. He will quote someone else’s work, at just the right moment, to get you into bed. You won’t realize he accidently misquoted it until you go home and Google the piece just because you need to feel those words one more time.

Have sex with a writer because she chooses art over money, even if she’s always complaining about being broke. Unclasp her bra because she’s 31 and still living with three roommates, squeaking by on rent, sliding by on bills, bartending a few nights, working in a bookstore, doing odd jobs, hustling; all because she’s convinced that she will create something masterful that may one day make all of this worth it. Pull off her jeans because you admire the sacrifices she makes to do what she loves, knowing you could never do the same. Fuck a writer because she shivers and starves for her chance to carve her name on the world. Why-you-should-Fuck-a-writer-female

Sleep with a writer because he’ll begin a beautiful poem about the bottoms of your feet, black from wearing flip-flops on Brooklyn’s streets, and the way they contrast against your light blue sheets. And know that he’ll never finish the poem, but sit up late at night, five years later at a desk in San Francisco, drinking shitty red wine, lamenting not just the loss of your love, but the fact that the poem was never finished. He’ll think that maybe if he had finished the poem you’d still be in love with each other. And then he’ll think that he’s just reading too deeply into it. Unbutton his shirt because he’ll give you copies of the books he writes, and inscribe them with cute, heartfelt love notes. Those same notes will make him weep while he separates his library from yours, after the breaking up, during the moving out. He’ll take all his books with him, giving you more room for the new furniture he always said the two of you couldn’t afford.

Lay with a writer because she’ll build you up in her mind to be way more than you ever could be in real life. Climb on top of her because she’ll tell you elaborate things you both know aren’t true, but wish were. Fuck her not for who she is, but who she believes herself to be, and because you almost believe it too. Do it for her brain or because she’s read more books than you or because at her core, she’s a romantic, even when she’s jaded, heartbroken, and full of self doubt. Slip off her underwear because she’s mastered the art of grand gestures. Can get away with earnestly sending you 16th century love poetry. Can quote Pablo Neruda, hum Leonard Cohen, memorize Rumi, cry Sylvia Plath and use ee cummings to make you think about cumming. Fuck a writer because word play is one of the sexiest kinds of foreplay.

Make love to a writer because he needs muses even though he hates that word. Leave bite marks on him because he can compose you something so exquisite, you’ll show your grandchildren. Do it because he trades in metaphors and similes and crafts sentences that make you pause, pull the book to your chest, and sigh. He spends his life trying to distill heartbreak and love into something tangible. Fuck a writer because this piece could so easily be turned into a Twitter account, or a Tumbler, or a Facebook page, but is so much more powerful as a single, solitary piece. why-you-should-fuck-a-writer-male

Screw a writer because she’s crazy. Do it because you’re crazy too. Pull her hair because she can make moody and forlorn seem sexy…for a little while. Do it because she’s intolerable when she has writer’s block, and she’s intolerable when she’s in the groove and doesn’t wanna be touched or talked to. Because she’ll sit in a room, working for eight hours sometimes only to produce eight lines. Because she’ll sit in a room, for eight hours and produce 18 pages. Fuck a writer because she’ll sit in a room for eight hours and produce nothing at all.

Bang, bang, bang a writer because he’ll send you electronic love letters from across the world, writing you daily with words that burst with the feelings he wasn’t able to say in person. He’ll wake up each morning with a flutter in his stomach, excited to see what bits of tenderness are sprinkled within your emails detailing all the little pieces of life he’s missing by not being home. Curl up next to him because he’ll understand the meaning of lovesickness and will pine for you and use what little money he has to help you buy a ticket to meet him. You will believe in him and move across the country with him and sacrifice so much for him, ultimately knowing he will never fully appreciate any of it. Because he always puts his work first. Fuck a writer because you will love him so much more intensely than anyone who’s come before, even though he will probably fuck it up.

Don’t fuck a stockbroker. Don’t fuck a real estate developer. Don’t fuck a politician. Don’t fuck someone in finance. Don’t fuck people who’ve never created something lovely simply for the sake of creating it. Fuck a writer because you’ll probably marry someone more consistent, someone who makes a salary, someone who says stupid shit like “weekend warrior” and “work hard, play hard.” Those people are assholes.

But more than anything, fuck a writer because I really need to get laid.

Special thanks to Jennifer Maerz and Anise Gross for helping me edit this piece.

If you like this piece please grab copy of my zine Love Notes and Other Disasters. It has this and lots more of my best work. 

Love Notes and Other Disasters


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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".

  • Cindy Bernhard

    This is so fantastic. Really. Fantastic.

  • Cindy Bernhard

    Why has no one else commented on how fantastic this is!?

  • Christine

    I think I fell in love.

  • ER Pierce

    This is epic. Love!

  • Aneta Cruz

    I’m a writer and I say all of the above is TRUE. This turned me on.

  • Samuel Blondahl

    And be sure to give us a review on Goodreads afterwards.

  • Pingback: Why You Should F*$k A Marketer: Or, the Comfort and Dullness of Loving a Person with a Salary | Not Technically Tech()

  • Thanks So much!

  • Haha!

  • Glad I could help 🙂

  • Thank you!

  • You’re sweet!

  • Thanks!

  • Sohaib Alvi

    Fucking good and so fucking true from toe thrpugh to the vagima and up to the head. But the turn off for all writers like me is, nobody gives a fuck.

  • Thanks!!

  • Amanda Mae Owen-Walkup

    This is amazing. Love it!

  • Awesome! thanks! Please hare with your friends. Where did you come across it?

  • If you were on stage I’d throw my panties.

  • RoByn Thompson

    I spent a couple of years trying to fuck my favorite writer for many of the reason you named. He bit my neck at a science fiction convention. That was as close as I got.
    I married an artist and that’s a damn fine thing but you always get wistful over what might have been.

  • BeSeven

    Brilliant, hysterical, and while I can’t vouch for the last sentence, true.

  • I love it!! 🙂

  • Thank you!

  • hahaha!

  • Tiffany Buczek

    Goddamn, you nailed the female writer! That is me. Sadly, I’ve never fucked a male writer. I’m rarely attracted to people as batshit crazy as I am. It’s too scary. I may change my mind, however…Bravo

  • mandyland

    Brilliantly spot on. Well done. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to take a nice, cold shower.

  • El Em Bones

    Lovely! I’m ready to drop drawer and I’m a gay lady! So very accurate and beautiful, thank you!

  • Ethan Kincaid

    Or you could marry a writer and have a pet that you give food and it spits out poetry.

  • Fucking brilliant!!

  • Taksh

    Well, reading THIS makes me want to Fuck you .

    This was astoundingly interesting, spot on, and extremely sexy !

    p.s : I’m a writer too 😉

  • richard pierce

    Great post. I’m a writer and married to an artist. Roller-coaster doesn’t even describe it. R

  • Well, that’s incredibly flattering 🙂

  • There’s a first time for everything 🙂

  • Well thank you! 🙂

  • Stella Harris

    Love the article! Who did the artwork?

  • Jon Stich did. You can find him linked just under the top image

  • Tigressa

    I honestly think this might be the best piece of writing I’ve read this year. OMFG

  • anon

    haha! now my boyfriend is trying to convince me he’s a writer 😛

  • auroradawn

    I’m marrying my writer lover!

  • Seaoharewhy

    this was great, although I liked it better the first time I heard it when Bill Hicks said it in the 90’s

  • Patrick Connors

    Please write about it after you fuck each other. This essay is total foreplay.

  • Marguerite Reed

    What happens when two writers fuck each other?

  • Magic! And lots of poetry probably

  • WrennS

    Given that I’m marrying one ( that I was introduced to by mutual friends at a scifi convention) , all I can say is…

    No Comment.

  • Taksh

    Oh how wonderful that’d be Patrick ! If ONLY it were doable 😀

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  • HaHaScribe

    Hollywood would agree with this sentiment.

  • Lindylula

    I still carry around a tattered copy of a poem someone wrote about me. I think about this piece and it makes me wonder at the woman and the nostalgia that must have gripped you when you wrote it. I get that way too.

  • Shit gets real heavy sometimes.

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  • Fuck this writer because it’s rainy on a day ending with “y.”

  • dnk

    It reads like poetry and has a very good flow, especially towards the end. And I’ve always wanted my boyfriends to be more writer-like, meaning that they would see little things, and big things, and poetry in not-poetic things. I guess I just wanted to date myself.

  • Prateek

    “he will use literature to undress you”
    you win the world with this.
    great post!

  • Monkeys Uncle

    Damn… you get the 1st place prize!! Lol…

  • Elaine Lee

    Worse than that, I’m a writer married to a musician. “Could you keep the noise down, please, I’m trying to work here!”

  • Elaine Lee

    Nah… two writers is crazy! Writer and another kind of artist, maybe. You’ll be broke, but at least you won’t be competing.

  • Pingback: Why You Should Fuck a Writer | Myth's Reality()

  • Charlotte E. Wilde

    I don’t usually like pieces like this but your snarky ending turns it around for me. Kind of like masturbating in the mirror, still isn’t all writing? I wrote a response to it here:

  • And my vote is with you. What a post! *Salutes You*

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  • Holy shit this is great. I’m a writer too! Should we bone?

  • Ethan Davidson

    Oh, yes, as a writer from a family of writers I say “hell yea!”

  • Ethan Davidson

    Agreed. I dated a phtographer for a bit, that was cool, made for some good colaberation. But another writer, well, my parents did it, and it didn’t last long, and I’m the result.

  • Ethan Davidson

    I once jotted down a poem that came to me about voodoo dolls. I left it on the table, and my then girl freind found and read it. She thought that the dolls in the poem were her. She thought I was insulting her, but was flattered that I thought about her enough to insult her. I didn’t break it to her that when I wrote it, I had not been thinking about her at all. I’m not stupid.

  • Roy Dias

    Since I’ve written 2 books and unfortunately both have been unsuccessful, am I still entitled to at least a hand job?

  • Mari

    I’m pretty sure on Bumble I swiped right on your ass Broke Ass. Alas a homegirl got no fucking play. All good…just pointing that out.

  • erikdeckers

    Holy shitballs, this is amazing!! Seriously, I’m reading this, studying it, and stealing the shit out of it. I love your use of metaphor and poetic language, and I’m going to do more of it. All. Because. Of this.

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    If your books is any good, you are. What are the names of these two flops? I want to read one. I’ll get back to you about the hand job.


    If either book is any good, you are. What are the titles of your two flops? I want to read one. I’ll get back to you about that hand job.

  • Roy Dias

    Hi! Wow I didn’t expect you to respond! Well…my two flops are Aspeans The Beginning and Aspeans The Invasion. Everyone says the story is very good, the writing though…yeah well I can relate. Especially my first book.
    Hope to hear from you soon 🙂