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How to Buy Drugs in NYC WITHOUT a Connection

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I recently attended the BAS party at Dardy’s Bar in Brooklyn. While there I attempted, unsuccessfully, to buy weed. Certain attendees were generous enough to share what they had, but due to the distinct communist leanings of the BAS community, none had extra for sale. I decided not to go gently into that good night and went, instead, into the darkness to see what I could scrounge up. When I returned triumphant, some of my new friends were impressed with my procurement abilities. So, I decided to share some of my secrets with you.

You see, I live what can rightly be described as a nomadic lifestyle. Like the noble savage I am, I enjoy the intoxicating chemicals our enterprising medicine men and botanists extract from Mother Earth. One of the drawbacks of the wandering existence is that your drug dealers tend to be less reliable. If they haven’t heard from you in a while they get sketchy. They change numbers often. They also have the nasty habit of losing their freedom. This often leaves me in the compromising position of having to forage my narcotics in the wild depths of the concrete jungle.

Done right; your journey can be euphorically satisfying. Done wrong; and you can wake up with your pockets turned out and throbbing concussion. Before you begin your late night quest for mind altering substances in the Big Apple, consider the following to ensure safety and success.

Location, Location, Location

New York City is the pulsing heart of capitalism. As such, most commodities are available to most people most of the time. Drugs are no different. It is possible to purchase your poison in all five boroughs nearly 24 hours a day. That said, there are certain areas I have found to be especially conducive to the trade in happy chemicals.

If you are willing to make new friends and have a little patience, both the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn and the Lower East Side of Manhattan tend to attract people willing to aid your honorable mission. It’s no coincidence that these are the so-called hipster hot spots. This often maligned group gets a bad rap, but if there’s one thing they’re good at: it’s getting high.

If you are in a rush and don’t feel like doing too much talking, there are alternatives. Washington Heights (near 173rd) and the Queensbridge housing projects are veritable drugs bazaars. These areas tend to offer the highest quality and greatest quantity. When making a purchase here you should know that those selling to you are professionals and you should conduct yourself accordingly. Try to find a group of adult men hanging out conspicuously (avoid teenagers who are more likely to rob or scam you) and ask, with a hint of desperation, if they’ve seen Fats. Fats is the fictional drug dealer I use to make my introduction. If they are who you think they are, they will probably ask a few more questions. If you’re cool you’ll be properly served. If they seem hesitant offer to do some with them. After the deal, it’s important that you vacate as quickly as possible to avoid police and haters.

The Human Factor

This is mostly obvious but critical nonetheless. You need to find the right person for the right drug. If you’re looking for nothing more than the gentle cannabis flower most people can probably help you. If you’re in the market for something more potent there are certain people to look for.

For party drugs like cocaine and MDMA, hipsters, bros, and techno freaks are your best friends. Many of you may think it’s not worth it to interact with these people. You may be right. It’s up to you to decide how badly you want to get high.

Looking for a more mind bending experience? I have found that hallucinogens are hard to come by on a random drug seeking excursion. My best luck has been when I find a hippie with a back pack. The contents of a hippie back pack can be glorious.

If prescription drugs are more your thing, look for nervous-looking, jittery women. After some polite conversation, maybe a drink, casually mention your affinities. In my experience, women with anxiety prescription are very generous with their medicine.

If all else fails, you can always come to an arrangement with a beggar. I consider this a last resort, only because of the headache it usually entails. If you decide to take this route you will need to take several precautions. First, you should wait to be approached and not the other way around. When asked to spare some change, offer to help them in exchange for their procurement services. You will need to ascertain whether this person has their own substance problem or a mental health problem. If they’re crazy, just give them a dollar and move on.

If they’re just a person down on their luck and ready to help there are still obstacles. Know that you will have to purchase for them their favored intoxicant in order to get yours. Know that if you hand them money and they leave your sight, your money is as good as gone. This is a sad but iron clad truth. If they are unwilling to take you to the dealer or leave you with collateral (cell phones and bikes are preferable) thank them for their time and move on. While this method can be the most frustrating it is often the most fruitful.

There are many more bits of advice and subtleties that you should observe when undertaking this endeavor but this is enough to get you greenhorns that dime bag you desire. The most important thing to remember is to use common sense. If something seems too good to be true, it is. If you expose vulnerabilities they will be exploited. Don’t be desperate. In general though, finding a friendly person to help you change your perspective chemically, can be easy enough if you follow my sage advice. Happy hunting.

Photo Credit: theurbandaily.com

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Kaetan Mazza - The Broke-Joke-Who-Enjoys-a-Midnight-Toke

Kaetan Mazza - The Broke-Joke-Who-Enjoys-a-Midnight-Toke

Kaetan Mazza currently resides on the couches of his friends, family and, sometimes in the beds of some very altruistic strangers, around the NYC metro area. He is motivated by publicly mocking and ridiculing himself and others. His literary heroes are Christopher Hitchens and Chelsea Handler.

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