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Santa’s Christmas Sex Horoscopes

This post is brought to you by the fine folks at Good Vibrations, a diverse, sex positive retailer providing high-quality products. and non-judgmental, accurate sex information.


 

Ah! The holiday season! Time to hang some mistletoe right above your belt buckle and deck the halls with dangling dildos. The nights are chilly, but that doesn’t mean your sex life has to be. We’ve read the stars and teamed up with Santa Claus and the sexperts at Good Vibes to pull back the sheets and take a peek into you’re future sex life!

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Aries

Damn, you just aren’t taking shit from anyone this month huh? With Venus and Jupiter bumping uglies up in your sign you are in control and loving it. Take advantage of this need to dominate and pick up the Big Book of Domination and make sure the holidays do exactly what you want.

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Taurus

Bull-headed and unfailingly practical, you are in no mood for surprises under the tree or in the bed. This doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a month of missionary position – no, no. Instead think about this as a time to really get back to basics with some good, OG fucking. So pick up an extra large box of Super Sensitive ONE condoms and get ready to get down.

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Gemini

Little twin star, this is your month to SHINE! This is the month to blow your mind and do the things you have always wanted to try, because ain’t no one or no thing is going to turn you down. Threesome? Why not! S&M? Slap you on the ass and say yes! Public sex? You could fuck on a table in a mall and get away with it! Since your imagination is your only limit we think that the Ooh San Francisco Nights Pleasure Pack will have enough variety to keep it spicy for you!

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Cancer

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, what can we ever do to let you know that if you ease up and not be such a wingnut that the world isn’t going to fall apart. With slutty Venus in your house of boners, you want it all. But unlike the fearless twins, Gemini, your fucking ends up being mental rather than physical. So why not cut the social anxiety you know all too well and instead just kick back and enjoy yourself? Pick up The Ultimate Guide To Solo Sex and do you.

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Leo

Leo, you proud, fancy-ass lion, you are all about flashing that bling, bling and this month is no exception to the rule. It doesn’t matter if we are talking latex or sex swings, you want it like it jaw dropping and one of a kind. Now, not every Leo is living on a golden dildo budget, we get that, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t feel like you are. Pick up the sleek and affordable Bullet Vibrator by Crave and get ready to turn some heads!

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Virgo

No one would ever in a million years accuse you of being impulsive, but when you want something, you certainly know how to get the job done. And this month is all about taking care of business – sexy business, and with Mercury in Capricorn your tongue is pure silver, and we all know that everyone loves some tongue. So pick up some Good Head and leave them screaming your praises.

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Libra

Oh, you lucky Libra! It’s like this month was crafted just for you. You’re lookin’ good, feeling sultry, and everyone wants a piece of you. And this is where your problem lies. Everyone. Wants. You. This means that tall drink of cum in my mouth you passed on the street and it also means that complete idiot you use to date. Whatever you do, don’t get all misty eyed and decide to take a trip down memory lane. To help you keep you far away from has-been’s bed, pick up the ultra-sexy Bella Couture Harness and find someone new to show it to.

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Scorpio

Some like it hot and some like it weird. This month, with Venus taking a pole dance through Aquarius you are finding yourself in both categories. Let your freak flag fly high and proud. Use this time to explore shit you have only thought of in your wildest dreams. Pick up the Kinky As You Want to Be: Guide to Safe, Sane, and Smart BDSM and get ready to be inspired.

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Sagittarius

There is no doubt about it, something is off, and you are light years away from being the sexy weirdo that you normally are. Fear not, this isn’t a permanent condition, you’re just dealing with some shit. While you’re mucking through the not-so-fun and not-so-hot, be sure to take care of yourself. We suggest picking up the Inspired Silicone Wand Vibrator, after all, you deserve it.

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Capricorn

You are a mother fucking fire this month, and there is just no stopping you. With your sexual energy, and love of hi-jinks, working in overdrive, your new bed partners can’t tell what your next move will be. Spoiler: they are loving this unpredictability almost as much as you are. Have fun with your sense of adventure and reward both you, and your lucky fuck toys, with the Under The Bed Restraint System and let them wait for your next trick.

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Aquarius

Winter is here, and while most people are choosing to hunker down with their main piece of ass and keep warm, you on the other hand are ready to mingle like the consensual slut that you are. Ain’t no crime in that! You are ready to put yourself out there and the crowds are creaming their approval! We suggest picking up some Wicked Sensuals Flavored Lubricant and get ready to bone the night away!

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Pisces

Normally the emotional vomiter of the zodiac, this month is a very interesting departure from the norm. With Mercury entering Capricorn you are the original ice king or queen. You are cold, distant, and aloof and people are just falling over themselves to get close to you. With no fucks being given, we think this is the perfect time for you to pick up the BDSM Pinwheel Toy and show them whose boss.

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The Sex Unicorn

The Sex Unicorn

The Sex Unicorn is an astrological genius and unaccredited sex doctor who has spent years studying love, relationships & orgasms.