Adventurous SexAdviceComedyDIYNewsSex and Dating

What Your Vagina Would say if it Were a State

Ever heard of The Vagina Monologues?  Whether you said “yes”, “no” or “what’s a vagina” (you poor, sweet soul), I have a fun new game for you*.  Gather your funniest friends, think up a broad category and ad-lib your way into either gut-busting hilarity, the sweet thrill of despair or if you’re lucky…both!

“If my vagina were a [category], it would be [example] because [reason]”

Today’s topic of choice are these United States**. Let’s go!

vmonologues.promo.01

*The Vagina Monologues is a serious, groundbreaking work of art that defined feminism for a generation of women and this article is in no way seeking to disparage or otherwise mar its reputation or followers. As I told my fried Will, however, it’s still probably not something you want to see the stage adaption of on a first date.

**The states that make up the USA are full of wonderful people and contribute to a great nation. That’s what a Republican would tell you. What I’d tell you is that if you didn’t want people writing humor about you, don’t live up to your stereotypes so well.

vagina games

Illustration by Rob Donnelly

If my vagina were a state, it would be Florida because it’s often swampy and filled with danger.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Missouri because it’s a “show-me” kind of place.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Arizona because it’s hot, dry and awash in pink at dusk.

Image courtesy of genehanson.com

Image courtesy of genehanson.com

If my vagina were a state, it would be Kentucky because it likes horses. Mostly just horses.

If my vagina were a state, it would be California because it’s always trying to leave the rest of me.

If my vagina were a state, it would be New Jersey because it’s run by wise guys.

Image courtesy of HBO

Image courtesy of HBO

If my vagina were a state, it would be Alabama because it wants to deny entry to immigrants.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Mississippi because it stays red no matter what you do or say or freedoms you take away.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Alaska because it holds the record for highest rate of STDs!

Chlamydia across the US courtesy of the CDC

Chlamydia across the US courtesy of the CDC

If my vagina were a state, it would be Oregon because it used to be pretty racist but now it’s just a hipster.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Illinois because there’s only one spot that does anything right.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Texas because it only listens to old white men who don’t understand female anatomy.

Pete Sessions, courtesy of Fusion

Pete Sessions, courtesy of Fusion

If my vagina were a state, it would be South Dakota because it lays a lot of unnecessary pipe and therefore ruins everybody’s lives.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Michigan because it also has a serious problem with dirty water.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Maryland because nothing happens in there and no one cares about it unless it’s crab season.

Courtesy of tabelog.US

Courtesy of tabelog.US

If my vagina were a state, it would be West Virginia because everybody’s too scared to get in there and fix whatever’s going on and honestly, who even knows what’s going on?

If my vagina were a state, it would be Georgia because it was created to house criminals and has a terrible history of cruelty.

If my vagina were a state, it would be Utah because…it’s too easy to make Mormon jokes, guys.

Courtesy of Mother Jones

Courtesy of Mother Jones

If my vagina were a state, it would be North Carolina because it only pees according to its gender binary position. That’s where pee comes from, right? The vagina?

If my vagina were a state, it would be Puerto Rico because it only seems to matter during vacations.

If my vagina were a pseudo-state, it would be DC because it tries, really it does sometimes, but no one is ever happy.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

May Day San Francisco! Stop ICE Raids Now!

Next post

What Have We Learned 25 Years After LA Rioted Over Rodney King?


Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.

  • K. W.

    If my vagina were a state it would be Hawaii, because it’s a warm, moist vacation destination for slightly more men than women.