Decode Your Date With Movies

Watching movies on a date: not just a social anxiety crutch!  You can tell a lot about a person and whether or not they’re someone you want to date, from the movies they like, hate, or at least enjoy discussing.  So who is this clown you’re about to stick your junk on anyway?  You deserve to know…unless you don’t care either way, in which case, carry on.

But, for those of us who do, at least sometimes, here are 10 movies to help you “decode” your date:

*Disclaimer: I am NOT saying “If this person hates/likes ‘X’ movie, then that can only mean ‘Y'”, rather, I am saying if there are, say, 2-3 red flags ALREADY outside and/or accompanying their questionable taste in movies, you might want to reconsider the relationship.  That’s all!

1.  Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

What kind of a humorless bastard do you have to be to NOT EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT, find this movie funny?  Whether it be Pee Wee’s neighbor, Large Marge, that amazing chase scene in movie backlots, the Texas/Alamo scenes, or the AMAZING fake movie within the movie that’s supposed to be the movie itself starring James Brolin and Morgan Fairchild, there’s a lot to like here.  If they don’t get it, there are obviously things about you that your date wouldn’t understand…that they couldn’t understand………that they shouldn’t understand.  You’re better off being a loner, Dottie, a rebel, than associating with some Pee Wee-hating riff raff like that.

2.  Fight Club

Ok, sure, frat boys and their Maxim-reading compadres have ruined this movie for anyone who wants to have any sort of real conversation about it.  And yes, I know, this is the best Brad Pitt or pretty much any man has ever/will ever look in a movie, ever and for all eternity.  And as much as I LOVE the very concept of “Project Mayhem”, there’s just something about this movie that rubs me the wrong way.  Perhaps it’s the mind-numbingly obvious displays of masculinity as the answer to “fighting the power”, or just that the ONE female character in this movie exists solely as a deus ex machina for the protagonist.  Either way, I would red flag this one if your boy/girl shows a little too much enthusiasm.

3.  The Shining

Full disclosure: this is quite possibly my favorite movie of all time.  Kubrick is THE master of subtly creating a mood, PLUS the fact that aside from Stand By Me, Misery, and perhaps Dolores Claiborne, this is probably the only good Stephen King adaptation.  If your date is bored by this movie, just straight up dump their ass, because they might be a robot….or feel that scene where the bear is giving that creepy guy a blowjob hits a little too close to home.

4.  All About Eve

Any dude who likes this movie definitely gets extra points, though it may appeal more to those in the media or theatre, understandably.  Regardless, the script is ridiculously well written, and anyone who can appreciate that is probably really awesome.  Though, I wouldn’t give your date too hard of a time if they aren’t super into it since it caters so much to the aforementioned industries.

5.  Nearly any movie starring Will Smith

Once apon a time, Will Smith used to be The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, doing his thing with DJ Jazzy Jeff, rapping about Summertime and stuff.  Ever since Independence Day/ID4, Will Smith has become sort of….lame.  I honestly cannot think of one single movie that he’s been in recently that was actually not gratingly saccharine and/or just plain BAD.  In fact, if Will Smith stars in pretty much ANY movie nowadays, I think there’s a 99% chance it will suck.  I’m pretty sure that’s science.  Speaking of “science”, isn’t Will Smith a closet Scientologist?  Yeah, I rest my case.

6.  Cool Hand Luke

Is there anything more awesome than a smirk from Paul Newman?  I’m not sure, but if your date is anything like him, they’re probably pretty hot.  Beware, though of this going too far into justifying laziness, aka the Troy Dyer syndrome: because justifying the theft of a Snickers bar is always total bullshit.

7.  Kicking And Screaming (1995)

Although the approval and worship of this movie may also veer towards Troy Dyer-ism, you have to give your date a little credit if they can recite any of the many amazing quotes from this movie.  Unlike Reality Bites, it doesn’t glamorize being post-collegiate, disaffected and ironic.  Rather, it demonstrates how unsatisfying and frustrating it can become.  Example– when the protagonist Grover’s girlfriend, Jane tells him she’s going to study in Prague, rather than move with him to Brooklyn:

Grover: Oh, I’ve been to Prague. Well, I haven’t ‘been to Prague’ been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, ‘Stop shaving your armpits, read the Unbearable Lightness of Being, date a sculptor, now I know how bad American coffee is thing… '’
Jane: They have good beer there.
Grover: ‘… now I know how bad American beer is thing.’

8.  2001: A Space Odyssey

My roommate says that anyone who can’t sit through this movie is a waste of time.  I’m inclined to agree.  Like with The Shining, if Kubrick’s moderately paced building-up of mood is something you can’t (or won’t??) enjoy, then chances are, you probably not even literate.

9.  Animal House

I’m totally going to get a lot of shit for this, but….I FUCKING HATE ANIMAL HOUSE.  There, I said it.  Admittedly, I didn’t get through the entire thing, but I had so little invested in wanting to sit through this movie, that I chose to simply go on with my life.  I “get” that Bluto is like, the anti-hero or whatever, but I had some serious, serious trouble finding anything sympathetic or endearing about any of the members of the Delta House.  Why should I care about them when they’re just as awful as the pricks in the other WASP fraternity?  Not everyone who likes this movie is a total prick, but, if your date identifies with fucking Bluto, you’ve got problems.

10. Forrest Gump

If for nothing else, I hate this movie because it has spawned one of the biggest eye-sore restaurant chains and merchandise ever to exist.  Aside from that, can someone please tell me what this movie is about?  As far as I can tell, it’s just a bunch of stuff that happens, with no real reason to invest any emotion or meaning to any of it.  Again, total lack of sympathetic and/or interesting characters.  Most likely, if your date’s a big fan, they probably have little to no personality.

UNPREDICTABLE WILD CARD PREDICTOR:

If you know nothing about your date’s feelings on the above ten films but you do know that your date liked Benjamin Button, make him/her watch this:

The Curious Case of Forrest Gump – Watch more Funny Videos

Then kick ’em some cab money and toss ’em on the curb ’cause the deal, she’s-a broke!