FREE: Big Gay Spelling Bee!

If you’re like me, you peaked early in life, say, somewhere around the age of 8.  If you’re really like me a big part of hitting that peak was being the first grade winner of the Stillman School spelling bee in Tenafly, New Jersey and being catapulted to fame in front of the entire school as you ascended rung after rung of the alphabetic ladder until you were up there competing with the big boys: 6th graders.

And if you’re exactly like me, you still remember the heart-pounding thrill ride that was being up on that stage, the youngest kid by four years, in what seemed like some predestined David v Goliath-like victory.  Until tragically,  you were felled by one word: Fruit.

For reasons I cannot fathom, my scrambled brain, feverish with excitement had been able to spell such etymologically complex words as hygiene, faucet, and  assessment but caused me to mix up the “i” and the “u” in fruit resulting in my elimination from the Bee.

In angry protest the food group was exiled from my diet for almost 20 years.

All those feelings of inadequacy and lost chances can be redeemed tonight at Nowhere Bar’s Big Gay Spelling Bee! People of all sexual orientations are welcome.  Sign up begins at 7 PM for a chance to win sexually-charged prizes like porno DVDs, Toys in Babeland Products and probably heaping handfuls of those possibly defective NYC brand Condoms. To see how people’s mental agility begins to falter when you add alcohol to the mix, the bar is offering half price drinks during the Bee.

All right!

So get your thinking caps on and get prepared to give those Scripps Spelling Bee Champs a run for their money when the time comes for them to realize their own sexual orientation.