How to Make Your Own Kahlua

White Russians: A contributing factor to kahula’s popularity. Same goes for bathrobes.

I know I’m a friggin’ pinche when I deny myself White Russians because of the price of kahlua. And god damnit, sometimes I don’t wanna drink my vodka neat, chased by a pickle, like a real white Russian. But let’s be honest, there is more to Kahlua than The Dude. Kahlua was one of the few things my puritanical mother would drink (only in the summer with my aunt in the form of sombreros: kahlua and milk) and it got a non-drinking Nicaraguan friend on the wagon (he only drinks it straight).

Ingredients: water (2 cups), dark brown sugar (1 ½ cups), granulated sugar (1 ½ cups), instant coffee (1/2 cup), shitty vodka (1.75 L), vanilla extract (2 tsp.), vanilla bean (1 whole bean)

*note: use tap water and sugar packets from Starbucks or McDonald’s. If you plan to make mixed drinks forget the Belvedere and get the shittiest gut rot vodka you can withstand. Can’t find a vanilla bean? Screw it.

Instructions:

1. Remove cap from vanilla extract and inhale. Damn, it smells so good!

2. Fight vanilla withdrawal and combine all your sugar with your water in a saucepan and simmer for ~12-15 minutes. The important thing is that the sugar has dissolved.

3. Take your baby diarrhea off the heat and stir in your instant coffee. Let the caffeinated poo mix cool completely before moving to step 4.

4. Pour the mix into that large plastic container with a lid or a big ass bottle(s) you have lying around and add get ready to mix in your vodka and vanilla elements.

5. Take a huge shot of straight vodka as a quality control measure.

6. Mix vodka and vanilla elements with the cooled baby poo. 7. Your brew can age anywhere from a week to a few months. Sample it before you go to work to determine its readiness.