Scary Plastic Surgery

I have become somewhat obsessed with  Heidi Montag’s insane surgical transformation.  I was standing on in line at the drugstore and saw this:

Let’s ignore for a moment that the coverage of our first African-American president’s first year in office is relegated to a sidebar.  Instead let’s focus on the lady on the cover as I did when I first glanced up at the magazine.

Who the fuck is that?  It’s not Heidi.  I watched The Hills exactly twice in my life and let me tell you, that is NOT that girl’s face. But oh, it is.   Watch this.

I agree with the anchor at the end. This is truly tragic.  Not only is it sad that a young, healthy and reasonably attractive (according to insane appearance driven American standards) young woman elected to have ten hours worth of painful surgery and weeks of recovery, but that she seems to be utterly incapable of thinking critically about it for even a second.  Also, how awesome was it that the interviewer tried to get her to sing, knowing full well that she can’t sing for shit and that there’s no way she would do it. Accepting that things aren’t always gonna go your way is one of the most important, character-building epiphanies in life.  Maybe accepting your nose or eyebrows or mouth is just a smaller scale version of accepting some of the other less pleasant facts of life.  Well, I’m rambling! Let’s take a look at some bad, bad plastic surgery!

Tara Reid

If you ask me, Tara Reid was born to get bad plastic surgery. She existed in the mid-90s as every fraternity brothers wet dream and then did the seemingly unthinkable–partied too hard, even for them.  Even Carson fucking Daly, the KING of dumb, drunk dudes was like “Nah…I’m not into it,” and broke of their engagment.  Tara then subjected herself to a series of awful plastic surgeries that the paparazzi wasted no time in making part of the public consciousness.

Meg Ryan

Once upon a time, Meg Ryan actually didn’t look like Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker.  In fact, we called her “America’s Sweetheart”, like, all the time!   Remember?

Aww! Adorable.

But, oh, did things take a terrible, Jokerish, mask-like turn:

What a waste!

Catherine Zeta Jones

Speaking of tremendous waste, Catherine Z-J knows a li’l something about it. No, I don’t mean the tragedy of a ridiculously beautiful girl marrying the bag of bones known as Michael Douglas. I mean, fixing what isn’t broke :

With the monster of Botox:

It’s not like she looks so super nuts like Meg Ryan dd, it just this weird, dead look in her eyes that creeps me out.  Right?

Li’l Kim

BEFORE:

Okay, so maybe tasteful and classy aren’t the words that you would use to describe this particular ensemble.  But it’s totally Li’l Kim. It’s who she IS.  Straight hood from Brooklyn. It’s who she was and always would be. Oh, until she decided she’d rather be a weirdly tanned cat:

Amen.