Torta Cubana from That’s It Market — Cheap and Girthy

See all that grease? That means FLAVOR up the butt.

Okay. So maybe I’m one of the last fat-asses in the city to try the Torta Cubana from That’s It Market, a commmmmbination liquor store and deli serving tortas, tacos, tostadas and, inexplicably, falafels, but I don’t care. Because I will tell you the truth about this mystical Torta Cubana: IT’S NOT AS BIG AS EVERYONE SAYS.

Let me quickly qualify that statement. The Torta Cubana is objectively big. For a normal person, it’s a large sandwich in both girth and height, comprised of strategic layers of breaded beef, ham, chorizo, hot dogs (YES, hot dogs), bacon, jalapenos, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, guacamole and mayo on a huge, almost painfully soft piece of bread and is probably too much to finish in one sitting. But for someone who a) has been drinking at The Monk’s Kettle prior to eating dinner, then polishes off two Sparks (caffeine-free, BOO), or b) gets morbidly excited over such heart-cloggers as carne asada fries, this sandwich is gonna be the perfect size.

Much of the Torta Cubana’s popularity is due to its recent feature on “Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations,” the Travel Channel show where Tony goes around to different cities trying different food, making snarky remarks, and keeping me really pondering the answer to the question, “Would I bang that?” But I am into the idea of the Torta Cubana because for what you get, it’s pretty cheap. I’m talking $10 for a sandwich you can’t even fit your mouth around. But since most of you are gonna share this baby, that’s like $5 each for a good, honest meal — definitely puts the footlong from Subway to shame.

Now, a note about taste. Like most food that looks gross, it’s somewhere in between “Oh-my-God-now-I-can-die-happy” and “Oh-my-God-what-did-I-just-stick-in-my-mouth.” Which is to say it tastes exactly how it looks: okay. And to that, I say God bless America.