Childhood celebrity crushes are like old boyfriends. You mostly forget about them until you recover some old note, or see something on Facebook that forces you to remember not only the person but that time you were enamored with them. I had buried my early love for Charlie Sheen like a repressed traumatic memory in a Lifetime movie.  Just typing out the title of this post made me blush with shame.  I don’t think there was ever a time he wasn’t a train wreck. But I think I had been avoiding his personal demise in the media because it was just too much to bear. But after seeing this gem of a headline this past weekend, “Charlie Sheen Moves in with His Hooker” I could no longer stay silent on the matter. Celebrity sexual deviance’s are well documented, but when you pay an escort to move in with you, that what I call looking up at rock bottom.  Oh Charles where did it all go wrong?

It all started with the “fox family feature”, Lucas, where Sheen played an 80’s jock with a heart of gold. While I don’t normally go for the all-star athlete types, who I am to argue with my prepubescent self. I don’t recall being obsessed with action movie satires as a child, but there was one fateful birthday party where I demanded that my parents rent Hot Shots and order KFC for me and my keds-sporting entourage. I still prefer Hot Shots to Top Gun to this day. I was never a big Tom Cruise fan and it’s hard to crush on an actor that you’re almost taller than by 5th grade. If I wouldn’t dance with you at the school dance then I will certainly not patronize your movies. I remember thinking the belly button scene was very scandalous at the time, so it’s a good thing I didn’t develop some weird sexual olive fetish, although I did end up with a Greek. Coincidence I think not.

I never admired Sheen for his “serious” acting work. I was too young to be watching Platoon and Red Dawn, and was really only exposed to his most silliest work (which is most of it) in a non-chronological order. Here he is again, playing a rebel jock in Major League. Even though it is one of the lamest songs in history, I still have fond memories when I hear “Wild Thing” play on the radio. God those glasses! Swoon. He certainly had a flair for sequels and obviously could never turn down really anything. I hope that paycheck from “All Dogs Go To Heaven 2” went towards something worthwhile. Just like any toxic relationship, I stuck by him for for longer than necessary or healthy for that matter. Remember the sci-fi movie “The Arrival“? Yeah I didn’t think so. But he did get the best character name in movie history… Zane Zaminsky. While reading his film and TV credits over the past couple of years is a little depressing, it pales in comparison to the rap sheet of his personal life. Just a quick skim through Wikipedia reveals how he “accidentally” shot his fiancee Kelly Preston or his failed attempt at shooting up with cocaine.  He’s been married three times, has 5 kids with different mothers and has been in and out of rehab for most of his life. I always wished he could clean up his act like his fellow brother in needles in arms, RDJ, but alas it was not meant to be.

Now he can’t even keep it together enough to appear on his miraculously long-running TV show, Two and Half Men. Which if I had a choice to either read War and Peace in Russian or watch that show on an airplane,  I’d choose Tolstoy every time. Despite the fact that he now looks like a grizzled steamboat captain with a penchant for the Lakers, a little part of me will always hold out hope for him. Charles, I hope you and your hooker are very happy together. And you can stay in and make sex tapes on fajita night and take turns lighting child support notices on fire. I know you’ve got the Wall Street sequel coming up and we all know how much you love sequels. Just dust yourself off, put on that pinstripe suit and maybe I can put your picture back up on my wall just for old times sake.

Photo Courtesy of: Gawker

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