Sex and Dating

What NOT To Play Back At Your House

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So you’ve successfully nabbed your date back to the old pad.  Instead of filling the noise with an endless stream of your unstoppable chatter, it’s probably a good move to throw some music on.  This can be tricky, because you don’t want to come off as sleazy, lame, or just plain stupid.  I know the ultimate pass for everyone is that you’re just listening to whatever bad music ironically…but like, is this REALLY the best time to be “ironic”, guys??

Here are some things that you definitely want to uncheck on the old itunes next time you’re trying to lure your date into bed:

1. The Dave Matthews Band (or any sort of Jam band)

Who is it that likes these bands, exactly?  Who are these people in joker hats?  I don’t know, and I don’t want to know them, much less sleep with them.  Just keep that under wraps, ok, guys?  Just until at least I leave, so even if the whole thing is a debacle anyway, I’ll come away with some shred of dignity.

2. Anything that blatantly has “sex” or “getting it on” in the lyrics

This large category includes Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”, the entirety of Barry White’s catalogue (include any Taylor Dayne covers too), etc.  I know Stuart will totally take issue with me on this one, but I just feel like, if it’s my first time having sex with someone, I’m just going to think you are super literal-minded and uncreative.  Not to mention super cheesy, or secretly cheesy trying to pretend you’re ironically cheesy.

3. The Yin Yang Twins

As awesome as the Whisper Song is, there is probably nothing more terrifying for a woman than hearing “Wait ’till you see my dick, hey, bitch! …I’m’a beat the pussy up…”  Even in jest, this can be a huge turnoff.  I know, it’s crazy, but it’s true.

4. Eminem

Similar to my point about the Yin Yang Twins,the absolute LAST thing I’d EVER want to hear at a dude’s apartment is ’97 Bonnie & Clyde.  Like, hands down.  Plus, the semi-amusing ramblings of a man-child light years away from his biological adolescent years isn’t the biggest turn-on either.

5. Closing Time, by Supersonic

I don’t know what it is about this song that brings me to the brink of an insane rage.  Maybe it’s the overwrought delivery and GODAWFULLY painful hook coming from a nearly unbelievably milquetoast set of individuals claiming to be musicians…I just.I can’t.  It makes me feel like I’m at the business end of a “Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 500” campaign to destroy my brainz.

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.

5 Comments

  1. April 26, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Uber-loved this post! “Wait ’till you see my dick, hey, bitch! …I’m’a beat the pussy up…” is definitely not the ideal soundtrack to a first night in. Bow-chicka-wow-wow irony is about as turn-off-able as a stripping pole in a living room or a “suck me beautiful” invitation. And “Closing Time”, wow yah definitely won’t close the deal… you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here indeedy!

  2. Jacqui
    April 26, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Psycho Killer by Talking Heads is not a good option either.

  3. Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe
    April 26, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    I gonna throw Afroman on this list as well

  4. Julia H
    April 26, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    In the vein of “Closing Time,” I would also like to add “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something.

  5. Michelle Andersen
    June 10, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    I once had someone play me Harry Mancini…I only remember the theme to the Pink Panther. It was really weird.