Look, Ke$ha, We Need to Have a Talk About This “Being a Celebrity” Thing

The usual Friday segment Upgrade Your Comfort Foods/Downgrade Your Trendy Foods will return next week, because it’s really important that I talk to Ke$ha right now.

Well, you're no Alice Cooper, that's for sure.

Look, Ke$ha (if that’s even your real name), we need to talk (again) about these pictures that are going around the Internet. You know, the very much NSFW ones. I mean, pretty much every picture of you probably shouldn’t be safe for work, but this one is particularly, uh… “juicy.” [NSFW! I already said that!] Anyway, it probably won’t even get past your NetNanny filter (because of how young you are, duh). But you probably remember that fateful weekend when you let someone named “DJ Stolen” take some photos on his Motorola Razr. (Also, DJ Stolen? That’s his name? Really?)

I get it though: you might be feeling a little down because one of the Ari Golds’ assistants on your billion-dollar PR team told you that the number of hits to your YouTube channel was down this week. But I’m sure that’s just because everyone was busy watching the World Cup or waking up hungover on a Monday and was not at all due to the fact that America collectively has a 5 second attention span. Also, please stop cracking your gum, I’m trying to talk here.

Anyway, like I said, I know you’re feeling down, but that’s no reason to go out there and… um… “accidentally” “lose” a photo of yourself that is basically the entire reason for Perez Hilton’s existence. How can he justify keeping all those interns around to Photoshop semen on to celebrities if the celebrities are going to save them all that trouble?

And I know it doesn’t help that Katy Perry is enjoying a bit of a high right now with a song that sounds more or less the same to my unsophisticated palette, but she literally hid the sexual innuendo behind a veil of bubblegum and cotton candy instead of behind torn up t-shirts she got from some dumpster. This is a blog for broke people, and we don’t even recommend anyone go digging through trash to find clothing. We draw the line somewhere. (Scabies. We draw the line at scabies.) You’ve probably got like a million dollars at this point, or at least a whole lot of iTunes credit, so you’re really just embarrassing yourself here.

Another thing that worked for Ms. Perry? She had Snopp Dogg there to lend her an air of credibility. Maybe you should try playing children’s board games with notorious potheads instead? Might I suggest a video including Dr. Dre and the popular game Snakes & Ladders? I heard Dre really loves that one and snakes haven’t been cool since Britney wore one in 2001. You were like 4 years old back then, so you could bring it back, you know, ironically.

Anyway, I know it’s tough being the rebellious kid sister to so many female pop icons, but one day you’re going to wake up and you’ll be 25 and totally out of Lynchburg, Kentucky’s finest toothpaste and you’re going to wonder what the hell you were doing hanging out with all those guys that look like they got kicked off the set of a CK One photoshoot for doing too much heroin in the off-set porta-potties. And when that day comes (March 1, 2012) I hope you’ve sold enough records to be able to pay off Google to erase all the search results for “Kesha with a dollar-sign.”

[Ke$ha pic via: poponthepop.com]