Milestones You Have Failed to Reach But Shouldn’t Feel Bad About

Moms are great, and in general, my mom holds very progressive views on all subjects with the exception of one: the need for me to get married. Every time it comes up, which in my opinion should be never, she becomes this weird, Pat Buchanan-type conservative telling me that my time is running out, I have to find a man, get a ring, etc. Thank god she does not read this blog, or know how to comment on a blog, otherwise she’d be all, “What about that wrestler in high school, who was friends with your brother, and who you did not even like or go on a date with?? He was NICE.” ARghaodraorgh. NO, mom. Let it go.

But it’s not just moms and marriage. I feel like a lot of my friends are getting labeled degenerates just because they consider Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 to be a higher priority than say, finding a career. Well, I’m sorry, but fuck that. The world is a different place now than it was in the 60s, and not having a house, a kid, or a can opener in your apartment that works does not make you a “loser.” So do not feel bad if some of these milestones are not in your near or distant future.

Marriage

The whole reason marriage was invented in the first place was so guys could verify the paternity of their kids. Nowadays, we have Maury Povich and SCIENCE to handle this. Marriage was also used as a clear and legal transfer of wealth. This was because, for most of history, women couldn’t own anything, for obvious reasons (women be shoppinnnn). Sadly, women are now able to own land and inherit wealth. So the last remaining purpose of marriage would seem to be that women want to dress up like fairy princesses and have the whole world recognize, for one day, that they are a fairy princess.

Which is fine, I guess, except that we all have to pretend marriage is still this sacred institution. Uhh, no. Please forgive me if I am not gagging to join the same club as Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods and Britney Spears. Not to mention that it still excludes the gays, which is point blank unacceptable.

Kids

I have retarded amounts of grad school to finish, and a lot of weekday drinking to do. It might be a while before I am ready to give up on those things.

A Haus

Eventually, yes, a house would be nice. But do not rush this decision! Right now, you can live anywhere in the world. Once you buy a house, you’re stuck there. Not for life but for a LONG TIME. So consider wisely.

In the end, though, all that matters is your own personal goals. Hence, some alternative milestones you should feel proud of:

Marathons you have seriously considered running

Like, to the point where you actually bought running shoes. Still an accomplishment.

Cities visited

And, I would like to add, “been drunk in,” because being drunk in other cities, especially international cities, is a serious challenge. There are completely different rules on curfews, cabs, tipping, etc.

Norwegians you are dating

If you have dated even one, you’re doing pretty good. Substitute this with any other adorable nationality you want – totallllly wouldn’t be happening if you married the wrestler from high school.