AdviceSex and Dating

Dating Advice To Skip

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getting the milk for free

Getting the milk for free

Everyone always has an opinion about dating and relationships– especially if you’re a woman, everybody has the worst compulsion to shove a bunch of crap down your throat. Of course many of these people tend to be your immediate family, and to an extent, you sort of have to listen to it and humor them. At the same time, after 10 years of listening to “you would be much more successful if you just lost 5 lbs” can really take its toll on you in a bad way. Instead of conceding and sinking deeper into self-loathing, here are some tips you should try to just flush out of your brain forever:

1) Why Buy the Cow…

I still can’t believe people are still saying this, but you know, olds just don’t understand sometimes. And youngs too, for that matter. I mean, I don’t even know that I need to explain that there is seriously something fucked up with placing all of one’s overall value on one’s genitals/ability to have sex. Like, if you wanna have sex, and the dude you’re dating thinks you’re a “slut” because of it, then maybe he’s not a guy you’d want to be with anyhow. Conversely, you shouldn’t feel like you “owe” a guy anything if he takes you somewhere expensive– if he insists on paying for all of it after you’ve tried to go dutch, that’s like, too bad for him. He can easily go buy pussy elsewhere and in a much less convoluted manner.

2) Pretend you like “X” activity he likes/Pretend you don’t like “Y” activity so you’ll appear more feminine
Why should you have to pretend to hate or like football or whatever activity/hobby/thing to get someone to like you? You shouldn’t. Because then you’re already starting any sort of relationship off with lies.

3) Pretend like you don’t carry condoms or have them around
I think of that so called “band” I can’t even bring myself to type was recently quoted as saying something along the lines that women who have condoms at their houses are “tacky”. Really? I don’t think I need to extrapolate why that’s the most ridiculous thing ever. Also, if someone can’t handle the fact that you don’t want to get pregnant or STDs, they’re a scientifically-proven idiot.

4) Maybe if you’re 30 and haven’t found anyone, you should just end up with “X” person
Really, guys? What is this, My Best Friend’s Wedding and/or 1995? Like, REALLY, we’re still doing this? You’re not going to spontaneously combust if you don’t get married/have kids by 30 or whatever age is considered “old” nowadays. Nor are you going to be significantly sadder than you are already. If you’re thinking this way, then the LAST thing you should do is get engaged. This goes the same for people who pressure you to have kids now now now. Not everyone NEEDS to have a kid, guys. They’re terrible people, kids I mean, so if you’re not prepared for that, forget about it.

5) Act like you’re not interested –OR– hang on their every word and make ridiculous “heartfelt” proclamations
You kind of have to adjust this to what you know your personality to be like. If you think you’re coming off too strong, perhaps making crazy proclamations about your feelings are not the best option. There is such a thing as “too much/too soon”, even if you think the other person is coming off strong as well– you don’t want to feed into the potential craziness. On the other hand, acting completely disinterested is stupid (unless you are, I guess, but then, it’s like…why are you dating them?). I mean, if you want to spend your time playing games, go ahead. But, if you ask me, it’s a waste of time. Either you like me or you don’t, and that’s all I need to know.

6) Everything would be great if you just lost “X” amount of pounds.
No it wouldn’t. It may even be worse, because you won’t be able to filter out douchebags who aren’t into “fat chicks”. Just accept that everything that you look like, if you’ve ever been told this, is at odds with what is socially acceptable, and and dealwithit.gif instead of trying to fit into something you’ll never be. If you’re not a model now, you’re never going to look like one, or will age into not looking like one anymore. Period. The sooner you accept that’s pretty much the case for everyone, the more capable you’ll feel in moving on to something more interesting/productive.

7) Let’s hope THIS one lasts.
Really? Because you’re only supposed to have one relationship ever? And apparently, the fact that you didn’t marry your college boyfriend is supposed to be considered some sort of failure? I shudder to think of what this person’s ideal relationship looks like.

Photo courtesy of Kinky Cyborg

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.


  1. May 3, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    This is brilliant. I just died laughing when you called kids “terrible people.”

  2. May 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Here is the thing. I can agree with some of this but some is just a perspective that will keep you lonely if you are already in that state. If you are fat and are having zero luck with the kind of person you want then guess what? You need to lose some damn weight. If you have a crap attitude then yeah, you DO need to change if you want a certain someone who is always around happy people.

    See this is the REAL illusion, that you don;t have to align yourself with the reality that you want to be in. You just say to yourself “If they cannot accept me then it is their loss”. Hey guess what? Maybe you are just a horrible person and no one likes you. Or anyone who you end up with in that state is going to be the worse possible person for you and your personal growth.

    Sorry for the rant but the fact need to be laid bare (laid bear? I dunno). ANYway…the core of it all is that unless you DO change yourself because you are striking out then get used to being where you are or make a change, period. Things don’t magically happen without effort.