10 Terrible Things To Do with $10

I’m sick of reading articles with variations on the “10 under $10” theme. When you’re broke (read: down to your last $10), people shouldn’t be telling you to use it for “great deals on rape whistles” or “cute beach finds.” I propose a more useful approach. Here’s how NOT to spend $10:

1. Lap Dance

If you’re buying lap dances, you’re not as hard up as you think. Plus, if a lap dance costs only $10, it’s not going to be very good, and it’s definitely not going to include a happy ending.

2. Clam Chowder at Fisherman’s Wharf

A few things: 1) gross 2) overpriced 3) overrun by tourists freezing in shorts and blocking the entrance to Boudin. If you’re not in San Francisco, probably skip the clam chowder altogether. You’ll end up spending an equivalent amount of money on Metamucil.

3. Magazines

The Internet can be FREE, so you don’t need to shell out your last Hamilton for an issue of Dwell or Adbusters for reading material. Just click on over to — ahem — Broke-Ass Stuart or, hell, Huffington Post. You’ll be just as entertained/bored/enraged as you would be if you were reading a magazine made of tree-killing paper!

4. A Drink for Someone Who Hates You

If your date is going badly, abort! Don’t spend that precious bread on a cocktail for a person who is so not into you.

5. DVD of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet

Don’t bother investing in this filthy genius’s hip-hopera. Just watch Weird Al’s parody, and call it a day.

6. A Cab to Court

Got a court hearing or, hopefully more likely, jury duty? Take cheaper public transit, like the bus or the train. If you’ve gotta report to the man, screw ’em out of as much money as possible.

7. Any Transformers movie

Eight out of 10 doctors agree that these movies are enormous turds.

8. A Groupon to a Place You Hate

I’ve done this. In fact, I do this all the time. Just because it’s on sale at LivingSocial doesn’t mean it’s suddenly going to be a great establishment. I can tell you from experience: It’s not worth it. Just say no.

9. Dancing Dror

This guy will write whatever you want on his hairy stomach and dance like a maniac for 30 seconds in nothing but Disney-themed underpants for $10. Hilarious? Absolutely. A wise purchase? Probably not. But when you’re flush, by all means — you have my permission, if not my full endorsement.

10. Mr. Bulky

Or any candy store, really. Biggest waste of time and money ever. You end up with a huge sack of god-damned Jujyfruits, wax bottles, and Sno-Caps that not even your dog wants. Plus, when you’ve only got $10 left, it’s probably best to skip food and foodlike substances entirely and put it toward a few cans of Steel Reserve.

Images courtesy of Wikipedia, The Kitchen Project, The Sports Bank, Fiverr, and Amazon.