In the Immortal Words of Liz Lemon, “Don’t Be Cry.”

It is winter. February, in fact.  And not the good, magical, snowy kind of February… this is the dreary, monotonous, get-out-of-bed-and-look-outside-and-then-want-to-punch-yourself-in-the-face-it’s-so-grey-dismal-and-useless kind.  Adding insult to injury, next month is March. And March, as you know, sucks.

Have I depressed you? Or are you, just like everyone else, already super-duper depressed (S.A.D., even?) Do you need cheering?! Well, why didn’t you say so.  Behold, some priceless tips to help you escape the sadsack slump you’ve been awkwardly galumphing around in for weeks now, making people feel all weird around you.

Here comes that list – now get out a pen, you sad fuck!

1.   A good thing to do (and a useful money-saving tip, to boot) is to just not go anywhere.  At all.  Go with that inner instinct that says, “I think I’ll just sit here all weekend, microwaving stuff & watching HGTV; maybe think about moving my furniture around but then not get up, just keep sitting here.”  You can, and dag navvit you should indulge this inclination every so often!

Sure, those pesky drinking buddies’ll be texting you, and you might even start to feel guilty for not coming out to meet them. “Maybe it’s wrong, what I am doing here… choosing solitude, unkempt-ness, and pajamas over social interaction. I am a bad person.”  I know what you mean because you are a bad person.  But then, buck up friend, and think about it this way:  If you go out, you’ll spend money you don’t have, drink waaaay more than you ought to, and burn precious energy you need to reserve for staying up ‘til 4am drinking wine watching old episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker/Extras/Gold Rush/(oh for god’s sake just insert your favorite show here) with your dog.  I say if you feel like it, just go ‘head and (briefly) embrace your winter weirdness, your inner misanthropic February Freak Show.  Be a shut-in, or what the Japanese call “hikikomori.”

The outside world is evil.

¤¤¤ Evidently that’s a huge problem in Japan because people get overwhelmed by the crowds and technology and noise and and and the things, and they just go batshit and stay in their houses for years & years, hoarding supplies and being unabashedly weird! So…careful with that slippery slope, I guess. (I mean, keep it within reason. We really don’t need any more hoarders.) And while you’re at it, GET THE MOVIE “TOKYO” on your Netflix and learn more about what I’m saying right now because ohhhmg, that movie is pure gold.

Still with me? Priceless prudent tip number two time:

2.   Cat videos and/or cat pictures. Yeah, I know… whatever, just do it. Do it like nobody will ever find out you did it. You WILL feel better, and yes you WILL have to fight the compelling desire to later tell people about some of the funnier or cuter cats you saw and you WILL need to bottle that up inside yourself and NOT tell them, but your inner smile as you recall all those LOLcatz’ clumsy shenanigans will be well worth your kampf. 

Look at this mung bean. Her name is The Poob, and she adds to my own personal happiness on a daily basis. She has allergies, likes shoes, and weighs 4,000 lbs.

3.   For future reference: if you’re stressed about Valentine’s Day, you need to cut it out.  Seriously, stop that clichéd self-pitying nonsense right now. Send flowers to your mom this instant and STFU.  Today is not a sign that you’re screwed, no matter what your damn personal dilemma is… Whether you’re sad to be single or you’re sad to have to hang out with that asshole Valentine of yours, it’s kinda just a corporate snausage of a day, isn’t it?  So relax, enjoy, eat some chocolate.  Give a hug to a random stranger.  Be in love with the world.  Or yourself.  Or me!  Just don’t be a hater, or no one will ever love you, probably.

4.   There are perk-up methods I’m not going to suggest in this, the time of frozen broke-ass souls – things like cleaning the baseboards or sending a heartfelt card to a friend – because I’m no stranger to the overwhelmingly lethargic, unproductive nature of winter sloth. I mean, I can barely even make myself fresh coffee lately; I keep like microwaving old batches, it’s super-sad and gross.

But having said that, allow me to strongly suggest one simple thing to keep in mind: Whenever you can, whenever the moment arises where you feel the tiiiiiniest little swing of momentum, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING NEEDED FOR YOURSELF. It feels GOOD. It’s like taking an “upper” pill, but it’s free, and doesn’t give you heart palpitations!!

¤¤¤ Why just recently, thank you for asking, there was a toilet broken in the ladies’ room at my gym, and when I walked in I saw there was (clean) water overflowing onto the floor.  And I, in a moment of bravery and CAN-DO, oh-snap feminism, ALL BY MY LONESOME marched in there, took off the back of the toilet and did that thing where you pull up the chain or whatever.  I fixed it!  No reward, not even MY toilet, and nobody there to clap for me.  Just the satisfaction of having done a small nice thing.  (I have gotten by on that for like two weeks now, so.  In your face, blues.)

This is like the opposite of what I did.

Little insignificant accomplishments and kindly deeds are the business.  They’re sure to raise your spirits and, depending on their degree of goodness, maybe they’ll even cancel out some of the cantankerous grumpy shit you’ve done in your life.  You know, karmically.  It’s a good idea, until it’s SPRING and happy hooray warm again and we can all just be selfish and still feel good because it’s sunny outside.

I hope this helps.  Just remember, interweb friend – your poor miserable wretched ass is not alone!  Godspeed.

Photo Credit: www.cheezburger.com, www.holytaco.com, www.catsofaustralia.com