Cupkates: Key Lime Pie for Peasants…

I don’t normally like cupcakes. At best, I think they’re a great mobilizer of sugar into the system of greedy 5th graders during holiday parties with classmade, construction paper, chain link streamers. Well, that’s the only time I made and consumed cupcakes. Then, when the cupcake craze swept over America and into the homes of Susy Homemaker via Food Network’s various cupcake wars, I knew I didn’t hate them anymore. I loathed them. I vowed to never purchase an overpriced $3 cupcake, especially when they cost $.050 to make, and that’s for premium flavors. I managed to make it through the craze unscathed, without purchasing one single cupcake. Until this weekend at Cupkates.

There sat those little fuckers, sitting in the window, begging to be oohed, awed and ogled at like those adoptable kittens in the Macy’s Christmas window display in Union Square. They know they’re adorable, you know they’re adorable, but somehow you manage to walk away. But, when you scarf down five-pounds of pork meat with a lackluster Oyster Po’Boy chaser, you’ve just got to have something sweet. Options: mosey on to the nearby Safeway, which would be heresy. Or, buy a $3…no, buy two $3 cupcakes.

Keylime cupcakes – let me tell you a thing or two about these little fuckers. Did you know they had a graham cracker crust? I sure as hell didn’t. I suppose I would have known if I had asked, but I’m glad I didn’t. When I peeled back that translucent shroud of paper, concealing the jewel-like hidden contents like a Middle Eastern mistress behind a veil, I oohed and awed all right. “Hurry up and take the picture!” I barked, anxiously anticipating sinking my teeth into the top layer of creamy, egg-y, almost marshmallow-y torched meringue, the middle layer of tender crumb pungent tart lime cake shine, the third layer of house-made key lime curd, and the final layer of buttery graham cracker crust. This could possibly be the best key lime pie I’ve ever eaten and it was in the form of my arch nemesis. If somehow, they were to tell me this was Vegan, I’d have to take myself out. There’s just no coming back after this sordid confession.

Double chocolate – extremely reminiscent of a Three Musketeers candy bar. There’s something about that whipped to high heaven chocolate buttercream frosting and that incredibly moist-dewy chocolate cake. I felt like the cupcake wrapper should have been in a foil cup with blue lining.

But, that key lime pie. I’m not a walk on the beach, getting caught in the rain, make love to me kind of girl. I’m a let’s drink some Bourbon, play some music and let’s fuck kind of girl. So, instead of telling Cupkates I love them, I’d have to say something derogatory and curse at them instead. But, deep down inside, I really love you, Cupkates. Just don’t tell anyone.

Cupkates hasn’t listed any SF locations for their truck, but find them here: http://cupkatesbakery.com

Or, Thur @ 12th and Broadway, 11:30a to 2pm – Oakland