Halloween Wine for the (Love-)Haters

Updated: Feb 09, 2013 16:01
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“Drunk Hobo” costume: Dad-approved, never out of style

The sentiment known as “love/hate” is one of the most ubiquitous yet enigmatic phenomenons in the human experience. I am certainly no stranger to its insidious, backhanded ways. Raw onions, ex-lovers, the mélange of scents permeating the city on a hot day, Peter Gabriel… you get the idea.

For broke-ass winos like me, however, nothing stirs up a profound sensation of love/hate more than Halloween (except maybe Christmas. And birthdays. Oh, and weddings – they’re the best/worst! Sorry I digress…). To say nothing of how goddamn stressful it is to come up with a wily and distinctive costume each year, it can be obscenely expensive. Furthermore, guess what nobody offers at Halloween parties? Delicious, taste bud-tantalizing wine. WTF is a wine-obsessed Halloween love-hater to do??

Fear not fellow winos for I am about to rock your broke-ass world with not one, but THREE parsimonious wine recommendations, along with the most awesomely bad Halloween costumes from my cost-effective childhood that inspired them. Do with this what you will, but pretty please send me pictures if you don one of these costumes for Halloween. That would be fucking awesome.

Important Note: Please forgive the offensive nature of at least one of these costumes. Author’s childhood transpired before the notion of being “politically correct” was a thing.

Costume: Drunk Hobo

What you’ll need: Oversized dad clothes, pipe/cigar, brown paper bag, bottle of booze (see below), real or fake facial stubble.

Wine: Hobo Wine Co- Banyan Gewürztraminer (~$12)

Pair with: Candy Corn

The deits: Remember in “The Wizard of Oz” when the gang is singing and dancing arm in arm along the yellow brick road? Imagine each of the characters is a tropical fruit and/or exotic flower and the yellow brick road is your tongue. That basically sums up what it’s like to drink this wine. Admit it, your tongue just got super aroused.

Trust me, it’s a cowgirl Barbie costume… and yes, my brother was the drunk hobo that year.

Costume: Cowgirl Barbie

What you’ll need: Ready-made cowgirl costume OR excessive denim/fringe, cowboy boots & hat, fake gun (I repeat, FAKE).

Wine: The Show Cabernet (~$13)

Pair with: Almond Joy if you feel like a nut, Mounds if you don’t

The deits: Like a drunk chick in a bar riding the automatic rodeo bull, this wine is bold, uninhibited, and down to party. If that chick also happened to bathe in black cherries, oak spice, and vanilla before she went out, my analogy would be 110% spot on.

Brother #1: Punk rocker. Brother #2: Scarecrow. Me: Ballerina in moccasins, duh.

Costume: Punk Rocker

What you’ll need: Anything from your hipster younger brother’s wardrobe, colored hairspray, cynical know-it-all attitude

Wine: Raw Power Shiraz (~$11)

Pair with: Tootsie Pops OR a big spooky steak on the grill.

The deits: Despite its rebellious façade, this puppy has zero rough edges. However, it does have lush dark fruit with hints of licorice, black pepper, and smoke. In other words, it’s hardcore efin tasty.

Now get out there and show Halloween some broke-ass love/hate!!

A special thanks to my benevolent mother who rifled through every album, box, closet, and crevice for pictures of me in these fantastically awful costumes. Way to go the distance, mom.


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Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily grew up in the great American Midwest where she learned to appreciate the finer things in life, such as cheese curds, polka dancing, and building up a superhuman immune defense to lake sludge. Somewhere in her young adulthood, Emily got all kinds of geeky about wine and decided to forgo a life of luxury in order to be a pro wino in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. This career move would prove to be great for broke-asses everywhere seeking cheap, tasty wine suggestions, but not so great for Emily's predilection for anxiety-free bill-paying. On the rare occasion that she is not imbibing or writing about wine, Emily can usually be found traipsing around estate sales, defending her Wisconsin vernacular, challenging strangers to thumb-wrestling matches, and wishing "Three’s Company” was still on primetime TV.