ColumnsNew YorkSan FranciscoSex and DatingSlider

Cheap Dates: The Five-Finger Date

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

You’re smart, sexy, and sophisticated. And cheap. Anyone would be thrilled to date you, which is why you don’t need to empty your pockets for someone else – in fact  leave those hands in those pockets because you’re going to take yourself out on a five-finger date.

Whoever said that baseball was America’s pastime must’ve been trying to rub one out with a mitt on, because nothing passes the time on the hands of upstanding Americans more than a good jerkin-session (second only to sleeping, which incidentally, watching a baseball game will make you do almost immediately).

There’s a direct correlation between my masturbatory habits and my utter lack of productivity. The more I masturbate, the longer it takes me to get things done. If you don’t believe me, YOU try writing this article using only one hand.

Bare with me, but I’m going to tell you how planning out your masturbation can both save you both time and money. I am a master at finding ways to distract myself during the day. Be it Facebook, Hulu, or an unsuspecting webcam, my brain can’t even process the concept of working until I have fresh underwear on and all my tweets are twatted. Which usually means I tend to be most creative just as the evening is beginning – that point at which I tell myself it’s too late in the day for “real” work, and yet I’m unwilling to let the time required for my creative work infringe upon my social life. But today is an exception; I need to get my work done early, you see, because tonight I have a date with myself.

Step 1: Set a Date
Like an actual one. Like seriously. Take out a calendar, find a Th/Fri/Sa and circle it along with the words “ME TIME” or “I heard Magic Mike is Out on DVD!”. Committing to an actual date will prevent you from making other plans – and be sure to date yourself on a night you’d have otherwise gone out.

Step 2: Impress Yourself
If you’re not still at home at 4pm wondering why memory foam doesn’t breath so well as the day progresses, head to the store after work. Pick a meal you’d enjoy both cooking and eating – nothing too fancy, but something beyond what you’d normally make for yourself. For me, I chose steak, with a simple spinach salad, garlic bread, and some mochi balls for dessert. Not only did the Japanese make an ice cream so good you’ll want to blow yourself after, but it’s also drip-proof, so that’s nice.

Come on home and lather up. No one wants a date with foul-breath or groddy grundle. so why should you be any different? Brush your teeth, take a shower, shave. The idea isn’t actually to woo yourself so much as to set a clear agenda: this is no longer dicking around in sweatpants time. You’re here to spend quality time with yourself, dicking around.

Once you’re all dolled up, you can start prepping dinner. Set the mood with some candles and some music you enjoy, set the table and pour yourself a glass of wine while you’re at it. Once dinner is ready, eat up. Man, you’re a great cook. You sure are sexy.

Step 3: Jack and Jill Yourself

Which is why it’s time to take things to the bedroom. Now that you’re all alone, you can do what you came to do. Whether you’re looking to use a special toy like this, or something more old-fashion, there’s 1001 ways to buff your muff (rumored to be the title of a follow-up track Paul Simon is writing). While fantasies are always free, there’s no shortage of phenomenal free adult tubes sites (NSFW) like this, this, this, this.

Spend the rest of the night working it out. Whether that means one, five, or WHY AREN’T YOU DOING THIS FOR A LIVING sessions, truly dedicate the whole evening to your date. When you’re feeling nice and acquainted with yourself, go to bed at a decent hour.

Save Money – not only did you prepare the food yourself at home (and likely have leftovers), but you saved by having just dinner and alcohol for one.
Save Calories – And when you stay in, generally eating healthier you’re drinking less, since you don’t need to get you or your partner liquored up to tolerate a stranger’s touch.
Save Time – With all those calories you saved, you’re not going to have to dedicate as much time to working out tomorrow – even though you’ll have more time since you went to bed at a decent hour and won’t be having a raging hangover the next day.
Save Face – No more awkward rejections, discussions of splitting the bill, or conversations about how you remind each other of distant cousins

So have a date with yourself, and let us know how it went in the comments section. I know after my date, all I could do was sing the praises of my dick. That’s just the way my dick is.

Porn pick of the week: Crazy Group Sluts (Harmony Rose, others uncredited)

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

FREE Chances with Wolves Dance Party TONIGHT @ ISA

Next post

Punderdome 3000: Just Do It!

Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry - Starving Fartist

Eric Barry is a writer and comedy nerd, currently living in Brooklyn by way of San Francisco.

When he's not writing or podcasting, he can be found drinking beer, rubbing pesto on whatever will allow it, or doing improv/sketch/standup.


  1. dude
    January 16, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Not at all surprised Eric Barry is attempting to depict masturbation as a hip lifestyle choice. I have seen this guy full-blown scream at girls he’s been out with in public. Twice.

    Better that he should be home bothering himself, I guess.

  2. Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage
    January 16, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    This is so pathetic, and yet, hilarious. Good read.

  3. Eric Barry - Starving Fartist
    January 17, 2013 at 10:32 am

    @Dude – I am most certainly an advocate of masturbation and proud Good Vibes card carrying member. I don’t think any shame need be involved with it – I got enough of that from my Christian upbringing.

    Also, if you’re going to make public accusations about me – or any individual – I don’t think a tongue-in-cheek BAS article is the place to do it, especially when you’re doing it under a cloak of anonymity, without any actual details. I can’t even begin to speculate on what you’re talking about given your characterization. I’ve had fights with girls I’ve dated, and while no one ever wants that to be a public spectacle, I have no shame in saying that people fight with each other, especially if there’s intense feeling for each other. But if we’re HONEST and OPEN about who we are, we can start to cut through that b.s. So if you want to call someone out, the adult and un-cowardly thing to would be to approach that person personally – or at the very least give them an opportunity to defend themselves.