Tiny Baby, Tiny Apartment (Part 2): Create a Nursery from Thin Air in 3 Easy Steps

You’re pregnant — about to pop — and you live in a tiny apartment. Soon you’re going to have to fit a baby in there. But how?

You’ve Googled it. You’ve scoured Pinterest. Surely someone’s blazed the way for you. Where’s that don’t-take-no-shit Manhattan couple with all the answers? Or that funky Tokyo family making it work in their high-rise closet? There’s got to be a website somewhere that tells you how to do it.

And guess what — there is. As long as you’re already a professional interior designer who can build anything with your bare hands and who also minored in whatever the opposite of hoarding is. Oh, you’re not? That’s fine. Because at least you have tons of extra cash lying around. Just throw some money at it. Wait, you don’t have tons of extra cash lying around??

Convert your extra walk-in closet to a nursery, they say. Listen, if you have an extra walk-in closet lying around, of course use it. That’s a no-brainer. You can store your caviar and diamonds somewhere else. But if you’re like me, you probably don’t have an extra walk-in closet. Or any closet. Closets are a luxury in San Francisco, like dishwashers and parking spots.

Luckily, babies don’t take up much space, they say. Great news, since it’s looking like you’re going to have to make a nursery out of thin air.

What you need is a plan:

Find a spot in your apartment where the crib fits. Somewhere out of the way, if that’s even possible. A corner or something. For me, it’s a three-foot alcove next to the fireplace. Passable.

I wish that was a joke.

You’ve designated the location, now you have to clear the area. This means you’re going to have to throw out most of your stuff. I hope you weren’t attached to any of it. Condense your bookshelves, rearrange your furniture, get that crib situated.

I never said it was a good plan.

You’ve designated the spot. You’ve thrown out your shit. Now replace your shit with the baby’s. Clothes, diapers, whatever. Store that shit beneath the crib, on the wall, under the coffee table. This part’s on you. I can’t hold your hand forever.

Don’t over-think this. And don’t look too far into the future, not right now. Just get the crib up and the rest will fall into place. And for the love of god try not to look at the big picture. That’s where the eye twitches and panic attacks live. Just take a good look at your apartment and say your goodbyes, because this is the dawn of a new era. Make peace with it.

Stay tuned for Tiny Baby, Tiny Apartment (Part 3): Essential Infant Products for City Life