Gifts For Broke-Ass Babies

Is it just me, or is social media a complete babyfest lately?  Everyone is popping out kids.  Your boss, your best friend, your sister.  And shockingly, they’re all expecting a gift.  They might say they’re not, but they are.

You’ll probably end up getting something uninspired.  Not because you want to, but because time is running out.  And because, what the fuck do modern babies even like anyway?  So you play it safe with a gift card.  Or a onesie.  No, definitely a gift card.  And that’s totally fine, for boring people.

But you’re not boring.

You’re putting yourself out there.  You backpack through Vietnam.  You train for triathlons.  You sign up for painting classes.  You went to Burning Man once.  You’re a well-rounded citizen of the world, and you’d like to think your gift-giving reflects that.

Which is why I’m going to let you take all the credit for all these bitchin’ baby gift ideas:

Sophie the Giraffe is the be all and end all of infant toys.  It’s a giraffe, and for whatever reason, babies can’t get enough.  It’s one of the great mysteries of life.  It’s kind of like the show Friends.  It seems blah on the surface, but after a while you really start to develop a taste for it.

The WubbaNub is a fancy pacifier that CRUSHES all the other pacifiers.  Babies love to do this thing where they accidentally spit out their pacifiers every 0.2 seconds.  They don’t mean to do it, it just happens.  And then they get pissed and cry a bunch.  And you’re like, “DON’T SPIT IT OUT.”  But babies don’t speak English, so what’s even the point.  After a while you start seriously debating the ethics of a little duct tape.

Enter: the WubbaNub.  It’s a little anchor that your baby can hold on to so that the pacifier stays put, and you don’t have to weigh the pros and cons of duct tape-related child abuse.  Genius.

Zutano Booties are the best thing that have happened to baby footwear, or to babies in general. BECAUSE THEY STAY ON.  That’s it.  I think these booties would survive a nuclear holocaust.

Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit is a puffy, cozy zip-up suit that you put on a baby who is transitioning out of the swaddle.  Yes, the name is ridiculous.  And yes, your baby will look like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  But you can’t argue with results.

My baby literally sleeps 11 hours straight now.  I don’t know what happens inside that suit, and I don’t care.  It’s working, and that’s all that matters.  So if you’re a fan of Ghostbusters and long, restful nighttime sleep, this sleep suit is your new best friend.

The Mixie Bottle is for formula babies.  Breast-fed babies feel free to turn away in silent judgement.  The Mixie is a to-go bottle that has a compartment for dry formula so that your bottle is ready whenever.  You just punch the button at the bottom of the bottle and the formula is released into the chamber of water. Then you shake it like a maniac, and boom, lunch is served.

There you have it!  Some of the best baby products on the market, and it’s not just me who thinks so.  I asked at least two other moms on Facebook.  We all agree.

Then again, I’m sure I’m forgetting something.

What are some of your favorite baby products?