7 Things Assholes Do With Their Phones

The human race really took the cake this week. I’m scrolling along on facebook. Pass a post by Ricky Gervais. It’s a group of people passing a damn dolphin around taking selfies with it.

Being a human, I have my faults too. I drink straight from the milk carton. I’ve totally eaten M&Ms off the floor (5 second rule). I once licked a friend’s chicken wing and put it back in the box because it was gross…and I really like Justin Bieber’s latest album. What? Real men say they’re sorry. It’s hot. And he’s besties with Ellen.

But in what world did people think they could just pull a dolphin out of the ocean and pass it around?  No. Just no. Why? They killed it, because that lil’ guy can’t survive out of water for more than three hours.

Thanks to people doing dumb shit, here’s a list of things you should NEVER do with your phone unless you want to be ‘That Asshole’.

Selfish Selfies

Apparently, the news is now reporting that said poor little dolphin was already dead when tourists in Argentina passed it around. That’s fucking disgusting. Animal necrophilia. Put the phone away tourists, you’re drunk.

Tiny dolphin dies after being passed around on Argentine beach for photographs https://t.co/ILJQyCtQ5F pic.twitter.com/YORX548IAA

— CTV News (@CTVNews) February 18, 2016

Texting About Your Dick

For some reason trolls on the internet feel compelled to send me photos of their dicks. Just because I write a dating column, and do a stand up set about my “golden vagina”, does not mean I want to see your manky penis. Ever.

Seriously, you guys. This happened at like 6 a.m. Dude I never speak to from my home town is in the grey…
 

I warned dude to quit while he was ahead, but he just kept on, which is how he hilariously made my column. He gets “Douche Canoe of The Year Award”. My close personal friends know I’ve actually put a penis in my personal blog before. Don’t be this asshole. Unless you’re ready to admit the truth.

Equally bad Ladies…

The Psycho Ex Message

Telling all women in his contact list he’s a douche-bag. Yeah, we all know. That’s why he’s single. But I don’t care if your ex was mean to you last night. I’m on the road for work and your shit-tastic messages, that made zero sense due to the fact that you were wasted, woke me up at 4 a.m.

Annoying Group Texts

Dear Lord Baby Jesus and peanut butter, just don’t send these. Ever. I mean ever, ever. No joke: I got into a knock down drag out fight over some girl messaging me random stuff after she replied to a group text in lieu of deleting it and sending her friend a separate text. Naturally, it was eerily similar to the messages above with Douche Canoe. If you group message, be forewarned: You’re an asshole and you just opened the door to be fucked with!

Dinner Date With Your Fucking Phone

Call me old-fashioned, but if I go on a date with you it’s because I want to get to know you. I find that’s the case with both sexes. If you get your phone out in the middle of dinner, it’s game on. Unless there is an actual emergency this person deserves to learn a lesson. So call the waiter over, order the most expensive shit on the menu, get good and drunk, and call an Uber from the bathroom. You, Asshole, deserve the same amount of disrespect right in yo’ face.

Loud, Public, Phone Conversations

Seriously? Just don’t be this guy. No stranger wants to know anything personal about you, and you should not be talking to someone in a very quiet shop about:

1. Sex
2. Money
3. Politics
4. Religion
5. Problems–no one needs to know you had a bad day. Most people have their own shit going on.

And last but not least…

Inappropriate Cinema Shenanigans

I’m broke. If I get the money to go see some fabulous film that has just released in the damn cinema it is going to be one epic 80’s style experience with full-on clapping at the end. I got my buttery popcorn, and my M&Ms. You get your phone out, and you start texting, facebooking, instagraming, tweeting, or just being an asshole with the spotlight on–it’s open season. It’s not beneath me to call you every creative curse word I can make up. I once told a 16 year old she should be ashamed of herself, and go home to tell her parents they raised and absolute C-U-Next-Tuesday.

Don’t be that asshole.