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The Best Ways to Poison Your Ex-Lover

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What? If you’re reading this, you’ve totally thought of it. No need to be coy, Roy.

Courtesy Giphy

Having once written a one-act play about an abused wife who eventually poisons her husband, I jumped on the chance to cover just how to poison your ex-lover. My friends would expect nothing less from me. This isn’t an easy task, because the moment you Google “poison”, you’ll just get some wiki post about the American rock band or Bel Biv Devoe’s hit song from 1990. So, I’m here to tell you exactly how to get the job done right…with a bit of style.

The Shakespearean Tragedy

If you think your ex is “All the infections that the sun sucks up”, one of the easiest and untraceable ways to kill someone is to take a cue from Shakespeare, and really hit em’ where it hurts – right in the gut. While Shakespeare was a master at plant-based poisons, his favorites like Henbane and Wolfsbane aren’t as easily accessible unless you live in India or Europe. Plus Henbane stinks, and you don’t want your ex-lover to be able to smell that crap and toss it in the trash. You might kill a stranger…

Courtesy Black Shoe Diaries

Keep it safe and just go with Angel Trumpets. Angel Trumpets are super deadly. Their dust can be accidentally inhaled and cause “symptoms include muscle weakness, dilated pupils and dry mouth, as well as a rapid pulse, fever, and hallucinations. Paralysis and convulsions may also occur, as well as coma and death.” Be sure to wear gloves and a mask when you crush up the seed, and make damn sure you have an alibi after you slip this in your ex-lover’s favorite drink.

Hitler’s Goodbye

If you’re into Pinterest and often feel super crafty, you can totally make your own Cyanide. According to The Telegraph, “Cyanide can be extracted from a number of plants such as apples, plums, peaches and apricots through leaves and seeds. A process involving grinding the seeds and heating them followed by several refinements will produce cyanide.” The only thing about it is, you’ll need like 10,000 wild kernels or seeds of your plant of choice.

Courtesy Giphy

You’ll also need a few things like a “mortar and pestle, bottle of acetone, castor beans, a funnel, blotting paper, thermometers and scales…” which is awesome if you’re the kind of person who has a lot of patience for said ex-lover.

Celebrity Punch 

The “A-lister” of ways to poison an ex-lover – The Devil’s Cherry. Also known as: banewort, beautiful death, deadly nightshade, and belladonna. While belladonna is one of the most well-known poisons, the plant is said to be “property of the devil” and anyone who handles it should be prepared to meet him, or her.

Courtesy Movie Forums

Don’t let that stop you. When it comes to the poisonous world of botany, belladonna has mostly been notably used as a murder weapon in literature and “most memorably by Marie Jeanneret, a Swiss nurse who, in 1868, was convicted of the murder of seven patients.” The trick to the devil’s cherry – there’s no recipe for how many it really takes to kill someone. My opinion: Simply, add 50 of these gorgeous berries to cherry compote and bake your ex-lover a cherry pie they’ll never forget.

From Russia, with Love 

Don’t worry, if you don’t really have much for dramatic flare, and probably broke up with said lover because they are high maintenance. Take a cue from the Russians. Just swap your ex-lover’s favorite booze for some bath oil, and you’re in business. No, really. Bath oil. (Not those crazy Florida Bath Salts we’ve all read headlines about.) Just regular bath oil. It contains methyl alcohol and antifreeze, both deadly, and looks just like vodka.

Courtesy Tumblr

Or rum, white tequila, triple sec…be sure to handle the bottle with care, using gloves and super glue that you are not on camera buying. That simple. Pay some pizza delivery driver to deliver it, because they will always accept extra cash on the DL.

Of course, you could always just make a new plan, Stan. Because there are always 50 ways to just leave your lover…

This is in no way meant to harm anyone, especially any of my crappy ex lovers. As sassy as my advice may be, I do not look good in orange. Ain’t no way I’m going to prison for any you dumb asses.

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Sassy Lil' Biscuit moonlighting as an underwater basket weaver. What? It's a valid profession.