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10 Food & Drinks that Shouldn’t Exist

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I love food. You love food. If you don’t love food, then you’re doing it wrong and I’d love to know how I can help.

But in our quest for ever-increasing (America!) and unique foods and drinks, we accidentally create objects of consumption so terrible that we should hang our heads in hubris and get drunk on the salty tears of an un-forgiving god.

…I’m just saying some food shouldn’t exist.

“Rainbow Colored” Foods

Courtesy of Spark Torch

Courtesy of Spark Torch

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When did we start to create food that looks like the rejected spin art of a children’s summer camp? I don’t care if it’s a celebration of spring, an homage to the gay community or a Kraft test kitchen newest project, stop putting dye into my food. Also, stop calling it “rainbow” colored. A rainbow is made up of the ever mnemonic ROYGBIV. What they’re doing is multi-colored and no, I don’t dislike it because I’m racist. I dislike it because it’s against the laws of nature.

KFC’s Edible Nail Polish

Nail-Polishes

Courtesy of Laughing Squid

It’s the newest, hottest thing on the market: nail polish that tastes like fried chicken. In other words, it is horrifying. I love fried chicken more than air but every time I see the words “finger-lickin’ good”, I instead picture someone pouring this on a spinch as salad dressing. For the record, calling it “edible” doesn’t mean you should eat it. Technically, people are edible…and oh god, this would be a terribly appealing development for cannibals.

Literal Ice Cream Sandwiches

Courtesy of the New York Times

Courtesy of the New York Times

I don’t care how well they set up this photo to make it look delicious. I refuse to believe that putting ice cream in between slices of bread is somehow better than putting ice cream in between two cookies. If I saw an ice cream sandwich on a menu and that’s what showed up, I would pull a truly epic fit worthy of any “Toddlers & Tiaras” child-slave.

Darren Wong’s Raindrop Cake

Courtesy of Smorgasbord

Courtesy of Smorgasbord

I know, it’s mesmerizing. Go ahead and look up videos about this thing because it’s really cool. What it’s not, however, is a goddamned cake. In fact, it essentially tastes like nothing. Plus, when I tell you that the creator copyrighted the name of this thing, sells them for $8 at a Williamsburg food market called Smorgsabord and that he called it the “Snapchat” of desserts, I dare you not to roll your eyes. Actually, I think I might only find it appealing in the same way that I want to play with a breast implant.

K-Cups

Courtesy of Digital Trends

Courtesy of Digital Trends

These little coffee pod motherfuckers are so bad for the environment that their creator even regrets inventing them. He went so far as to pull a Scrooge-level series of apologetic actions that resulted in his solar energy company. I mean, for the love of god, do you not all have enough ways to pour caffeine into your body?

Kombucha

Courtesy of Food Source Information

Courtesy of Food Source Information

That’s right, I said it: kombucha needs to stop. Oh, it’s ancient? So is syphilis. It’s good for your digestion? Stop eating so much processed cheese and slamming back tequila shots every other night. It’s an acquired taste? I can think of about 150 other things that you can do for your health that don’t taste like pee got slipped into a gin fizz. Also, listening to people talk about kombucha is like listening to someone talk about being vegan. Coincidentally, they’re often same person.

Truffle Oil

Courtesy of Birchbox

Courtesy of Birchbox

I don’t have as much against truffle oil philosophically as I do about your belief about truffle oil. Consider for a minute: why would anyone take a fungus that’s worth like $4000 per pound, infuse it in oil (possibly ruining it in the process) and then sell you that oil for $10 a bottle so that you can use it to make your aunt’s crab dip more earthy? That’s right, truffle oil is almost never really made from truffles. It’s usually made of thioether. Again, I’m happy for you to keep putting it in your food, but consider this your PSA. Go ahead and look up your kobe beef while you’re at it.

Nude Sushi Models

Courtesy of Pinterest

Courtesy of Pinterest

Are we still doing this as a society? Because why? It’s incredibly demeaning. Plus, it makes the sushi too warm. But sure, by all means, stare into the deadened eyes of someone struggling to make a living and pick raw fish from their torso as you contemplate how many times that person has been groped by “accident”.

Fireball Whiskey

Courtesy of Delish

Courtesy of Delish

…you know why.

Soda-Flavored Pop-Tarts

Courtesy of Food Beast

Courtesy of Food Beast

Where to begin? Well, hey, maybe you’re the kind of person who regularly drinks soda and eats pop-tarts together so this is actually a perfect confluence of flavors and effort for you. In that case, I hope you manage to get the last boss in Dark Souls before your heart collapses under the weight of the sugar slugging through your veins and that your mailman calls the cops before the rats find you in your basement.

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.