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Ah, April. For some a month of sunshine, for others a month of showers, golden or not. With Venus taking a hard mother fucking left into retrograde, most of the zodiac come off as picking, acting, or attracting the fool. But we are here to lead you through the pitfalls and booty-call landmines the future may hold for you and get you to the kicking, screaming, orgasmic sex you all so deserve.

Aries

April truly proves to be a mixed bag for your sign. The beginning of the month sees Venus in retrograde, meaning that the only action you’ll be seeing is some downhome, self-administered head fucking. Fear not, you’re not relegated to this future for the entirety of April! As the month progresses, you’ll move on to some well-deserved IRL fucking. As we know you are amply prepared to handle the latter, we suggest picking up Pleasurette Mini Waterproof Vibrator so the time spent alone isn’t so brutal.

Taurus

No one would ever hazard to call you a dreamer, but April sees you flipping the GD script right on it’s stomach because that’s what you are doing. This month you will be spending a lot of time trying to figure out what you want from the relationships you have. Suddenly the good, frequent tail you’ve been getting from your boo is seeming, well, predictable, thus you begin thinking about other dicks in the sea. Now, we think that following your heart is a good thing, and following your libido is a fine thing too. But before you ditch booboo, maybe see if spicing it up might not make a world of difference. Pick up THE Sex and Pleasure Book and see if you still feel like leaving.

Gemini

Little twin star, this month is a biggie for you. After months, and in some cases years, of mucking around in the emotional bullshit of dating and hooking up, you finally meet someone, or someones, who rock your world in a way you weren’t quite prepared for. Your heart is on fire and you want nothing more than to be hooking up with this new love bug 24-7. Now, we fully understand spending days fucking-it-up in the bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, and so forth, but unfortunately responsibility does rear it’s dumb ass head. So, we suggest picking up the Naughty Noir Pleasure Remote Pleasure Panty Thong and hand the controls over!

Cancer

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer, we understand that it’s in your nature to over analyze the living shit out of things, and relationships being even more subject to scrutiny. So it’s no surprise that April once again sees you fretting over the nitty-gritty details of your sex life and subjecting your partners to a level of scrutiny that borders on interrogation – but not in the fun role playing way. Thankfully for everyone who is sexing it up with you, mid-month you stop coddling your hang ups, and start being a dirty bird you secretly love to be. To celebrate this flip of the script, pick up the Perfect Date Kit and enjoy some much deserved light fun.

Leo

Pride is your strength, but it’s also your weakness this month – which we know you hate to hear. Strong, fierce, and in control, you are accustomed to be the one wielding the whip and calling the shots in the bedroom, but this month finds you confronting the fact that you fear dropping the Mistress or Master in leather exterior. Being vulnerable is hard, but it’s a very empowering act. We suggest that this month, you pick up the Kinky Desires Kit and be on the submissive side of the blindfolds and floggers for once.

Virgo

Little not-so-virgin, this month is going to be an interesting one for you. With Venus in retrograde for half of the month, you are going to cross paths with some pretty big lessons, and you love to play teacher. While there is a chance you might see some spanking, the stars tell us that you will be in control of your class and showing your little pet how you expect them to act! To help get you ready for some dirty detention pick up the Spank Me Please Spanking Ruler  and stretch that wrist, because we don’t want you to stop slapping ass until they are the perfect student.

Libra

Let’s not beat around the proverbial, or literal, bush – things with your regular fuck boys and girls have not been up to their usual par. March saw you heshing out a lot difficult shit that made you moody and removed. You were much more into turning off the phone and jacking off, if truth be told. But a new month is upon us and you are getting out of your fuck-funk. So let your boos know that they weren’t the reason for your silence by picking up the True Blue Kit and show them you’ve missed their company.

Scorpio

No one is going to accuse your sign of being serial monogamist for one mother fucking second, commitment makes you panic and with Venus in retrograde you are going to be up a god damn wall with real or perceived threats of people trying to take you by the dick or pussy and holding you hostage, and not in a way you are cool with. All we can really tell you, is that you need to slow your roll for one second, take a deep breath, and analyze what’s freaking you out. If you can’t deal with the threat others might have on your free swinging ways, then you can blow your own whistle. Pick up the Fun Wand Metal Dildo and chill the hell out.

Sagittarius

We want you to look in mirror every single morning during this Venus in retrograde month and repeat to yourself “No Scrubs” three times in a row. This month, your heart is going to be confused and you will find yourself looking back to days of yore when you were with that sorry piece of ass you left so long ago. Suddenly they will be so kind, so sweet, the one who knew how to tie you up and gag you just the way you liked. NO! No they fucking didn’t! Telling them to shove it is no fun, but having a sexy new thing shove it? Delight! Pick up the Pure Plug and forget that loser ever even texted.

Capricorn

Much like the other signs who are experiencing a retrograde in the House of Bone, you are not exempt from the bullshit. April sees you tripping over your proverbial dick left and right – missed booty calls, innuendos gone wrong, and calling out the wrong name(s). But fear not, as the month progresses, you’re going to have a total eclipse of the dildo and be in prime shape. So just hang tough, and we promise you’ll be rewarded. You might want to lay low until the end of the month, so we suggest you pick up the More, Please Kit and *ahem* spend some time alone until this shit blows over.

Aquarius

While everyone else in the zodiac is getting ye ole one two by Venus in retrograde, it’s smooth sailing for you. Actually, it’s better than smooth sailing – you’re on fucking fire! April proves to be a month where you are the person everyone is looking at, thinking about, jacking off thinking about, and hoping to take a visit to Boneville with. Make the most of your 100% public approval rating by picking up some Trojan Magnum BareSkin Condoms . Here’s looking at you hot stuff – Satan knows everyone else is!

Pisces

You may be a water sign, but this month your head is up in the clouds. From basically day one of April you’re going to be going in circles trying to figure out if your new boo is really the one for you. You’ll be making lists and making yourself crazy trying to figure out if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in. This doesn’t do much for in the way of your active sex life, but sometimes you need to plot out the things you want to see and then act on them. To help you in your journey, we think you should pick up the Best Sex Writing of The Year Vol. 1 book and free your mind.