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How to Make Friends in San Francisco

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Are you new to the city?  Maybe you’re an engineer who’s a bit socially awkward, or marketing intern fresh out of college?  Maybe you’ve made enough Fortnite friends this year, and it’s just time you met some real-life people? Anyway, whatever it is, don’t worry.  We have some foolproof ways to make friends in San Francisco.

1. Ride a scooter

Huge bonus points if you wear heels on your scooter, girls in SF love wearing heels

Local San Franciscans LOVE scooters.  Everyone thinks they’re ‘hella cool‘.  If you’re not scootin’, chances are, you’re missing out on a ton of really cool parties and friendships in the city.

2. Buy a French bulldog and brag about how much you spend on its Asthma medications

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If you want to meet other sophisticated San Franciscans, who chose dog parenting as a safe alternative to human parenting, you should save up $10,000 and spend it on a french bulldog with some kind of fashionable genetic disorder.  Then you’ll have something to brag about at the Duboce Park, while your Frenchie named ‘Dakota’ runs around in a circle because it was born with one hip larger than the other.

3. Always use your smartphone while crossing streets

In fact, you should use your smartphone everywhere, to do everything.  There are tons of great social apps these days that will give you access to thousands of potential people to meet in real life.  So while your commuting, or taking your lunch break, use your smartphone to search for potential friends you could be meeting.

4. Wear a Patagonia vest to your finance job

There’s an unspoken uniform that all the cool, hip, people wear downtown.   And it involves dropping the sleeves, and showing your clients you may, or may not, be car camping that evening.  It’s the ultimate statement in urban ‘performance wear’ that says, “I totally care about ‘sustainable fashion’, but at the same time…I have no idea what that means.”  If you want to make sure people know you work for a corporation, AND that you have no sense of personal style, get yourself a Patagonia performance fleece. (Also available in Northface.)

5. Cheat at bar trivia night

Let everyone know that you are the smartest person in the room!  Also, people want to be friends with winners.  So don’t be shy, look up trivia answers on your phone, under the table, in the bathroom, or just tell people that it’s, “work texting you”.

6. Complain about gentrification in your neighborhood, while gentrifying your neighborhood

This works really well if you’re a white person, looking to meet other white persons.  And even better if you have a tech job that picks you up in a bus.  Use the line, ‘Oh man, the Mission has changed so much since 2016, I don’t even recognize it.” Or, “This city is so expensive! I mean, my favorite avocado toast place just had to raise its prices?”  People will notice how woke you are in no time.

7. Remind people that you are ‘hella woke’

You read Jezebel right? At least you see their pictures on Instagram.  Don’t be afraid to let people know how enlightened you are.  San Franciscans love this.  And if reminding people about how woke you are isn’t working, try saying ‘IPO’ more often in conversation.  This will make you sound rich.  And people love money.

8. Wear a large backpack on MUNI

Express yourself, don’t repress yourself.  Don’t take your massive backpack off on public transit, stand in the aisle with cool headphones on, and strike a pose. Every time there’s a stop, strike a new pose, try a subtle spin, maybe a chassé?  People around you might look like they hate your face, but they’re just amazed by your reckless abandonment.  In SF this is called being a ‘disruptor’, and whoah, that’s really cool.  (Also works on BART).

8. Ask people if they want to ‘hack with you’

This is a great way break the ice at work, and let people know you could be an edgy, entrepreneur type.  Wait until your target is sitting down, walk up behind them and ask them in a whisper, “hey, you wanna hack with me this weekend.”  Or, bring it up in casual conversation around the watercooler like, “Oh Chad, that was a really funny joke you just said! (shoulder touch)  Anyway, I gotta run, I have so much hacking to do this Sat, I mean, a serious Mountain Dew code zero.”  This way you’ll leave them wanting more.

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

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1 Comment

  1. jshillin
    April 20, 2020 at 11:05 am

    9. Write an article trying to hate on every San Francisco cliché.