Sunburns up 900% in San Franciso over Weekend

Record-setting high temperatures continued into Monday across the Bay Area.  2019’s first major heatwave broke the temp record for Monday June 10th with a high of 97 degrees in San Francisco, the high used to be 88 degrees (set in 1985).  The normal high temperature for San Francisco on a normal June 10th is, 66 degrees.

The BAS Thermastat hit ‘hot as balls’ levels

Many San Francisco residents who ill-equipped to handle the heat, fled to the beaches over the weekend…some thought they would get a very rare thing in SF called a ‘tan’, but many were sorely mistaken.  Instead, sunburns went up 900% in San Francisco.

We asked a local San Franciscan man at Baker Beach on Sunday, if he ‘liked going to the beach in San Francisco’, and he replied, “I’ve lived in Excelsior for 32 years, and I didn’t even know we had a beach in SF until today, now my girlfriend is telling me I have something called a ‘sunburn’.”

San Francisco man at baker beach

Many San Franciscans thought they would get ‘tan’ at the beach but instead, their bleach white foggy complexions nearly burst into flames under the incredibly hot sun. A woman from Telegraph Hill told us, “I was in my bikini for 10 minutes, and now my apple watch is saying I have 2 kinds of skin cancer.”

SF woman was in sun for 10 minutes, and now she irreparably sunburnt.

A man in Pacifica was quoted saying, “It’s 89 degrees in Half Moon Bay today, in FUCKING HALF-MOON Bay,” the man shook his head and aksed, “what’s next? Dogs marrying cats?”

Pacifica man was caught in direct sunlight on Sunday wearing a backward hat

The heat is expected to go down later in the week.  And San Francisco can go back to being a ‘light jacket’ city, on a strange, foggy, peninsula, where tan people go to get out of the sun.

*this is satire, although the heat wave if very real.