How to Survive an Impeachment Thanksgiving

If the recent CNN poll holds any weight, about half the U.S. adult population wants Donald Trump impeached and removed from office, and the other half think he’s doing a super fantastic job as president. It’s pretty much split down the middle, which could present the opportunity for awkward family discussions over Thanksgiving dinner. There’s at least one stray in every progressive family, and then there’s the group of people who’ve taken an “I can’t be bothered with all that” stance.

Regardless of where people fall on the spectrum, the fact remains that the country is experiencing political upheaval of historic proportions and it’s all playing out right in the thick of the holidays and a full-swing campaign season. Basically, avoiding all political talk will be about as easy as winning the lottery. Keeping things civil could be a challenge, especially after the punch gets spiked. Joy.

The Donald and the turkey. (Tom Brenner/Reuters)

Here are a few tips to steer clear of catastrophe.

1. Don’t let your MAGA uncle hold the carving knife.
2. Bring gummy bears to chew on so you can keep your mouth free from hurling insults.
3. Don’t turn on the TV, at all. It may even be worth collecting cell phones to keep family members from checking Twitter or sharing Breitbart articles.
4. If you smoke weed, you should do that in advance and probably a few times through the day.
5. Refrain from using the following words: Russia, Ukraine, trial, government, democracy, election, news, Congress. Or maybe, just don’t use words at all – grunts and nods will keep you out of trouble.
6. Offer up cheesecake as a peace offering.

I’m giving you all the cheesecake recipe passed down from my grandmother and perfected over the years so you can use it to mend some hurt feelings and broken relationships, because let’s not lie, there will be plenty to mend by the time dessert comes around.

This is a no bullshit, no lemon, straight up sour cream, New York-style pie that is sure to shut people up.

Ingredients for happiness in tumultuous times

Crust:

15 graham cracker sleeves, crushed (like the souls of your enemies)
4 tbsp melted butter (the real stuff with all the salt)
1 tbsp powdered sugar
1 tbsp light brown sugar

Put the crumbs in a mixer with the sugars and slowly add the butter. Add the mix to a 9-inch springform pan and pack the crumbs down into the bottom only – push those crumbs down just as you’ll try to do with your feelings Thursday. Bake the crust for 10 minutes at 350 degrees with the rack down at the lower third level. Pull the pan out to cool and knock the oven temperature down to 325 degrees.

Filling:

Three 8-ounce packages of softened (leave out on the counter for a couple hours) Philadelphia cream cheese (use anything else and you deserve to get cut.)
Four large eggs (room temperature)
1 tspn vanilla
3/4 cup white sugar
Pot of boiling water

Beat the hell out of the cream cheese in a large mixing bowl. You want the consistency pretty fluffy. Add the eggs in one at a time, and keep beating. Add the vanilla, still beating, and then slowly add the sugar in as you keep whipping the mixture. Pour the beautiful sludge over the crust and then wrap the bottom on the pan, about two-thirds of the way up, with at least three layers of heavy duty aluminum foil. Place the springform pan into the center of a deep roasting pan and then slowly and carefully pour the boiling water around the outside of the cheesecake pan, about halfway up.

Bake at 325 degrees for about 1 hour, 15 minutes — you’ll want the cake just about almost set with the slightest jiggle when you take it out.

Glaze:

One carton Knudsen’s sour cream (see note regarding substitutions above)
1 tspn sugar
1 tspn vanilla

Mix all three ingredients right in the tub and let it sit while the cheesecake bakes, the more room temperature it is, the easier it will be to glaze. Pour over the top of the cheesecake and put the whole thing back in the oven for an additional 10 minutes.

Let the finished result rest in the fridge to firm up before bringing to the family. Bust it out just as you’re about to put your foot in your mouth, and enjoy.

I wish you all the a happy and non-murderous Thanksgiving!