Satire/Humor/Comedy

What Does Jeff Bezos Do With All of His Time and Money?

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The nerds in the audience may have caught the Batman Begins reference in the title, and much like the 2005 masterclass in doing an adequate job, this article requires a little suspension of disbelief.

A film about a rich eccentric dude that uses his wealth and power to impose his will

Because this article is not about seeking truth, it is to acknowledge that it’s fucking weird that the CEO of one of the largest companies and one wealthiest people in the world would just arbitrarily step down from one of the most coveted jobs in the free world. Jeff Bezos, as far as public knowledge is concerned, is in perfectly fine health (I tried to find articles about the status of Jeff Bezos’ health, but I just kept getting articles about how he cut a bunch of people’s healthcare.)

Jeff Bezos started Amazon in someone’s garage in 1994. He walked uphill both ways with shards of glass inside his shoes everyday to work on his internet book store. Amazon now employs 18 Billion people in Pennsylvania alone, and has more power in the global market than all of Eastern Europe combined. And this old dude just up and said, “DONE”?? Just what are you up to Mr. Bezos?

I know what I’d be doing.

Now according to the resignation letter written by a cardboard cutout of Lex Luther, the former Amazon CEO is stepping down to Executive Chair (sounds made up), which probably means Amazon will no longer be a dictatorship, but a puppet state instead. In the letter Bezos said something about a Days Inn Fund, Bezos vs The Earth Fund, and I think a non-profit that searches for the origins of the color blue. He also owns the Washington Post, which makes me uncomfortable.

But are we to believe that a person of such immense wealth would just settle down with a few passion projects that are functioning fine on their own? I don’t buy it. Let’s speculate on what he’s really up to:

Super Villainy

If Jeff Bezos wanted to, he could buy a small island, a team of highly trained mercenaries, plenty of tanks and helicopters. He could afford to kidnap a bunch of scientists that create hybrid people/animal super soldiers. He could actually afford to make power suits for all his top mercenaries, and the most power suit for himself.

Whatever the henchman situation ends up being, Bezos would have a rather grandiose evil plan. Maybe collecting all the DNA of everyone that spends the most at Amazon, kidnapping them, force mating, to create some sort of monster that only shops at Amazon.

Your Uncle Gary was Prototype X

Superhero

This is a little less likely given that Jeff Bezos isn’t really predisposed to acts of true altruism. BUT, could he be the Jet Pack Man? Anyone else following that? Dude with a jet pack solved the fuel weight/thrust ratio problem or found some sort of alternative fuel breakthrough, and created a functioning jet pack.

Bezos certainly has the funds to do the research, develop, and produce such a scientifically advanced piece of equipment. And he would be audacious enough to keep it secret, and for only his use, even though its energy production could be revolutionary. Look all I’m saying is that we’ve never seen the two in the same room together.

Weird Rich People Shit

Gwyneth Paltrow, star of such Iron Man films as 1, 2, and 3, is the CEO and founder of GOOP, a company dedicated on making women feel disgusted by their own bodies. GOOP advocates such practices, and sells devices to facilitate, as steam cleaning your vagina. Doctors tend to advocate that you don’t treat your genitals like a black dress after a hard night of coke and fast food vomit.

I mention this  because Jeff Bezos could fund a hundred GOOP companies if he felt like it. He could start a company that shaves wild raccoons and sells BDSM ropes made from the fur. Maybe he’d rather just charter a thousand jets flying in different directions, with blind folded pilots, and take bets on which ones will crash first. He could build a machine that detects where old Playboys are still hidden underneath mattresses just to embarrass you, Kyle.

Jeff Bezos’ new life goal is to ruin you Kyle.

Jeff Bezos has access to so much capital that if he went to a bank and said I’d like to set this all on fire they’d take money out of their own pockets to give it to him, just to get that 3% interest, because it’d be worth it, and he’s good for the money.

Whatever Jeff Bezos is up to, I don’t trust it. Eat the rich. Drink Your Homework. Stay in Drugs. Don’t do School.

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Sonny Curtin

Sonny Curtin

Sonny Curtin is an absurdist, and not particularly tall. Their hair color changes frequently to avoid paternity suits.

Once Sonny watched a sea catch on fire. The reflections of the embers beamed off the Red Sea in the Saharan night, as they tried to remember a past long forgotten. They felt the heat from the flames as the wind swirled around them, thrusted up sand and seemed to reshape the dunes in front of their eyes. It was then that they knew. It was time to move on.

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