It’s Official: Superman Is Now Bisexual

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Image: DC Comics

Today is National Coming Out Day, and someone pretty significant just came out of the phone booth. Just two months after the “boy wonder” Robin game out as an LGBTQ folk, the New York Times brings us the news today that in the world of DC Comics, Superman has come out as bisexual.  

“The idea of replacing Clark Kent with another straight white savior felt like a missed opportunity,” Superman: Son of Kal-El writer Tom Taylor told the Times. “A new Superman had to have new fights — real world problems — that he could stand up to as one of the most powerful people in the world.”

Okay first you will notice we said Superman: Son of Kal-El, which is the current DC Comics comic book iteration of Superman. This is not the Warner Bros movies with Henry Cavill as Superman where they release a terrible movie, and then release an even longer, more terrible version four years later. And this is not Clark Kent, but his son Jon Kent (Clark and Lois Lane are now married and old in the comics-verse). Jon Kent was formerly Superboy, and he’s had like a million different incarnations since the character was introduced in 1938. He was born in an alternative-universe batcave, didn’t know he had superpowers but then found out, so his parents sent him into the future to hone his superpower skills (I swear to god I am not making this up.) But now he functions as Superman, as his father is off on some mission in deep space.

And yes, it is fair to say that DC Comics is only introducing the LGBTQ characters in the much lesser-known comic book platforms, and not adding them to their more visible and lucrative franchises. “When you take a step back, the canny strategy DC Comics is employing here comes into sharper focus,” Glen Weldon writes at NPR. “They haven’t queered their core characters, after all — no, those heavily licensed nuggets of intellectual property resist meaningful change because they must, especially if they’re to keep paying out dividends by, among other things, getting printed onto kids’ bedsheets.

“So instead the publisher introduces much-needed, long-overdue progress along the edges — a sympathetic villain here, a supporting character there. They re-introduce deep-bench characters that haven’t appeared in any comic for decades, and slap ’em with a same-sex partner.”

But honestly, like we didn’t see it coming. That tight uniform, that perfectly buff physique, never a hair out of place…. Superman has always been more of a metrosexual than sloppy bachelor. We congratulate new kid replacement but-only-in-the-comic-books Superman on coming to terms with his identity, and hope he finds a great Scott to get it up, up, and away with.

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Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

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