Eat & Drink

5 Ways To Make Your Server Hate Your Guts

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A server waiting tables who hates the customer.

If you’re a genuinely horrible person who enjoys getting under the skin of other people and you are soon to be eating out in a restaurant, here’s a handy-dandy guide to make sure your server absolutely, 100% hates your guts.

Get to the restaurant right before closing time

This is a great way to not only piss off your server but also frustrate the kitchen crew, the busser, the dishwasher and the manager. Why make one person hate you when you can make the entire staff rue the day you first drew breath? The closer you can squeak in before closing time, the better. If the restaurant closes at 10:00 and you’re there by 9:45, sit in your car or stand right outside the door until 9:59. Once you are seated at a table, make sure you tell anyone who works there how you “just made it in the nick of time.”

Say you’re ready to order and then don’t be ready to order

Servers have a system. They circle though their sections making sure everyone has what they need. One pass might be to take an order for drinks, while the second pass is to serve those drinks and then take a food order. There’s a method to the madness. If you want to be the one who grinds that process to a screeching halt, tell your server you know what you want to eat. Once they pull out their order pad or tablet to record what you’d like, take a deep breath and then audibly sigh. Follow that exhale with, “Actually, I’m not sure. Can you come back in a few minutes?” The server will oblige because it’s literally their job to do that. Wait until the server is walking toward another of their customers and then let them know you have now reached a decision.

Don’t look at the menu and just order whatever the hell you want

What’s a menu, anyway? All it is is a very specific list of the food items you can order at that particular restaurant. It’s not like it matters or anything. Ignore that menu and go rogue. If you’re at an Olive Garden, ask for enchiladas! Hey, they have a chef and a kitchen, so they should be able to figure it out. For extra points, ask your server what the restaurant has. Beg them to read it out loud to you and when they’ve finished this oratorial exercise order something that they didn’t say.

Complain about something, but don’t allow them to rectify the problem

If you take a bite of your steak that’s supposed to be medium well, but it’s rare, definitely complain to your server, or better yet, the manager. Chances are they will offer to take the steak back to the kitchen and cook it a little longer so it’s to your liking. It’s a very simple solution to the problem. But just don’t do it. Tell them it’s fine the way it is and then continue eating it while complaining after every single bite. Upon completion of the entire undercooked steak, give one more emphatic complaint about how disappointing the meal was for you.

Compliment the service repeatedly and then leave a bad tip

If you want to make sure you have sufficiently annoyed your server, no need to put your money where your mouth is. Verbal compliments will be just fine in lieu of an actual tip. Lavish praise upon the server. Imagine that each compliment is a ten dollar bill. When it’s time to write something in the gratuity line, draw a smiley face. If it’s a tablet you’re paying on and you have to tap a percentage amount, slap that zero, hero. To really put the final nail in the coffin of your likability, pay with hundred dollar bills or a Black American Express card.

Follow these simple hacks and you can go to bed at night knowing that you are a miserable human being and the person who served your food loathes you with a fiery passion.

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Bitchy Waiter

Bitchy Waiter

Darron Cardosa is a writer, actor, singer, and waiter. He lives and and works in New York City and enjoys "The Brady Bunch," "The Facts of Life" and cocktails almost as much as he hates your baby.