Satire/Humor/Comedy

Paltrow Vows to “Turn Ski Bum Bones into Broth” on Hot Mic

Updated: Apr 06, 2023 10:48
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April 1st, 2023. BREAKING NEWS –  Nearly 7 years ago, a ski collision put Gweneth Paltrow back in the headlines when she was sued for damage caused by an accident that left the other skier with lasting brain trauma. On Thursday, Paltrow won her court battle after a jury decided the Country Strong star wasn’t at fault for the crash.

But now new evidence is surfacing via the live stream video taken from the two-week court case, where Paltrow can be heard mumbling threats at the 76-year-old optometrist and presumably his team of attorneys.

At about 1:30 minutes in, while her daughter Apple and her nephew Fritter are testifying you can hear Paltrow say off camera, “and I’m going to use his f**cking bones to make broth, for lunch, you watch”.

Witnesses say Paltrow’s attorney tried to quiet her off camera, but Paltrow hissed at them.

During cross-examination, some trial experts are purporting that Paltrow is clearly seen blinking morse code at opposing council, the blinks equate to Palrow saying, “I will not be silenced, I’m so goddamn hungry, I will eat your bones.”

The GOOP tycoon has been going viral this week on TikTok, Paltrow is seen opening up about her wellness routine.  She said she eats dinner early in the evening and does “a nice intermittent fast.”

“I usually eat something about 12, and in the morning I’ll have some things that won’t spike my blood sugar, so I have coffee, but I really like soup for lunch,” she said. “I have bone broth for lunch.”

@dearmedia

#gwynethpaltrow shares her daily wellness routine on The Art Of Being Well, listen now 🎧 #wellnessroutine #healthandwellness #healthylifestyle #routines #goop #podcastclips

♬ Aesthetic – Tollan Kim

GOOP bone-based merchandise sales have increased 325% since the TikTok went live, now these new allegations of cannibalism could either hurt or help several lucrative bone and cadaver sponsorships the Shallow Hal star acquired in March.

Some are saying that this revenge plot means she must have eaten bone broth that went bad. Fermented bone broth can create hallucinations and feelings of elitism.

Gwyneth Paltrow – photo(s) from Wiki Commons

APRIL FOOLS! But also, we don’t recommend only drinking bone broth for lunch and skiing afterward.

Love – Team Broke-Ass.

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Katy Atchison

Katy Atchison

Katy has lived in The Bay Area since the age of 3. While other kids were attending summer camp & soccer practice, she was raised selling wares at craft shows with her working artist parents and spent vacations in a small 1920s Montana log cabin. This has all given her a unique perspective on the ever-changing texture of San Francisco and the Greater Bay Area. Currently a blend of all that is The Bay Area - she's a web designer at a tech-company, artist and DIY teacher.