See Ya in Hell, 2000’s!
So the ’00’s sucked, huh? Aside from a few nice things that happened in my personal life and probably yours too, I (and apparently a lot of economists and sociologists) think it’s safe to say that this decade was pretty much the worst in living memory. Instead of the fire and brimstone apocalypse or the Y2K digital meltdown we were promised when the clock struck midnight on December 31, 1999 we got a end-of-the-world of a different sort, replete with bloody terrorist attacks, an illegal, immoral, unwinnable war, confirmation on the horrific reality of global warming and the most devastating presidency in American history. Plus a li’l economic catastrophe, diabetes epidemics, increased joblessness and homelessness and the musical career of Hilary Duff. So yeah, all told, a decade long shitshow.
So with only two days of this bullshit left I’m sure we are all waiting with baited breath for 2009 to hit the fucking road. However New Year’s Eve presents it’s own type of crazy problems. No one is ever sure what they are doing until the last minute. This is because no one ever wants to commit to one party, sure as they are that the minute they do, the New Year’s Eve party of their hedonistic wishes will reveal itself to them but by then it’ll be Too Late. Then there are the unfortunate souls who make the grave error of planning on “going to a bunch of parties” and inevitably spend midnight on the G train, en route to the place they were sure was more fun. Add in the usual dramas of what to wear, how drunk you wind up getting, the miserable weather and any romantic situations you might be facing and you have the recipe for a pretty sucky night.
Not this year though, this year I say fuck that. Life has been rough enough on us all these past ten years. This Thursday night you’re gonna grab 2009 by the balls hard, and see how HE likes it! “Okay,” you’re thinking. “But how?” With this list of rules:
1. Dress Up! Allllllllllllllllll the way Up!
New Year’s Eve is the night to dress your best, craziest-whatever you want to do! Sequins, sparkles, legs for miles , satin silk, gold -whatever. Even if you’re going to someones apartment for the whole night is no excuse not to dress up and have fun with it. After all, if you can’t shut it down on New Year’s Eve, when can you?
2. Commit to a Group
Even if you and your friends can’t get your act together to pick ONE place to go and spend New Year’s Eve, at least commit to each other. IF you have a significant other, he or she is probably already in the bag for New Year’s so that’s set, but you should work up to more of a posse than that. Try to get t a group of at leas 5 people to commit to hanging out with you no matter what, so even if you are all stuck on the L train at 11:59, you can make a night of it and have a ball wherever you go. Which brings me to my next rule…..
3. Travel With Booze
Sure everyone likes a classily mixed drink on New Year’s Eve but if you’re on the go you might not have that luxury. Go to a Starbucks and get a giant coffee or tea. Drink it (or dump it out-one for the New Year’s gods) , mix up your own sweet, sweet cocktail, pop that plastic white top back on and head out into the night. The booze will keep you warm and the knowledge that nobody’ll bust you is even better. But make sure that you…
4. Eat. Dinner. Drink. Water.
We’ve talked about this before, but it cannot be overstated. The quickest way to ruin your New Year’s Eve is getting too hammered too fast and looking like a ridiculous drunk slob when you’re trying to prop your head up on a bowl of onion dip to watch the ball drop. even if you are POSITIVE that the place you’re going to has food, eat before you get there. Just something small. Not a granola bar, but like, a bowl of rice and some vegetables. When you get to the party there’s a good chance that you’re not going to feel like sitting down and eating sensibly so don’t chance it. Line that stomach before you go out and avoid being “That Drunk Girl/Guy from New Year’s”. Also, every second drink, down a glass of water. The more water you drink the faster you’ll flush out the booze from your system when you pee, and the longer of a chance the alcohol will have to work its way into your blood. that way you can remain pleasantly buzzed all night and avoid the ‘fine-fine-fine-buzzed-really buzzed-totallyfuckinghammered thing that sometimes happens. Plus isn’t it so fun to look around and realize you’re the most sober and together person at a party? Yep.
5. Decide to Have a Fun Night, No Matter What
There’s always this pressure on New Year’s to be the most fun night in the world ever. Unfortunately that makes most people feel like unless they are doing lines of coke off Dakota Fanning’s ass while straddling the plummeting ball at Times Square, they’re wasting their time. Well fuck that. Ultimately, the choice between hacing a good time and not is entirely a matter of attitude. Unless you’re in prison or some other horrible situation (and chances are that won’t be in your New Year’s forecast unless Rule #3 goes horribly awry) you’re gonna have plenty of opportunities for fun. So choose fun! Laugh, dance, eat a lot, drink and smoke yourself silly. Hasn’t this decade dealt you enough sorrow and strain? No matter where you are or who you’re with, you’re young, broke, beautiful and alive and it’s gonna keep getting better.
So drink to that, and have a Happy Happy Happy New Year!
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