5 Easy Halloween Ideas for NYC Dwellers

Don't let this happen, guys.

It’s happened to every one of us at one time or another: time gets away from you, you can’t decide on a costume and you find yourself at Ricky’s, or rather waiting on a line that goes down the block to even get in to Ricky’s all so you can spend $59.99 on a “Sexy Disaster Relief Worker” costume that you ‘ll probably be too embarrassed to actually wear.

Consider this a warning: when you leave your office today go immediately to the Halloween Adventure store on 4th Ave, your closest Ricky’s or that Halloween store that opened in the old Tower Records place off Lafayette Street and get your costume now.

You’ve been warned, but some of you will not heed this advice and if the vision of yourself buying some busted fake Xanadu costume at American Apparel doesn’t scare you straight, nothing will. So for you scofflaws who don’t want to plan ahead, or worse, convince yourself that you don’t care only to get excited the day before and not have a costume, here are 5 easy, cheap and quickly produced costume ideas to get ya going.

Please, no more Sarah Palin costumes.  Please.

Andy Warhol

Costume: All black  Put on a suit, sunglasses, spray paint your hair silver and carry around a manual camera.  Act like you’re better than everyone, make clever, caustic remarks and observations about banal, quotidian objects and only pal around with models.

BONUS PROP: Zany, wacky,  blonde heiress-cum-artist’s muse with a penchant for barbiturates, black stockings and falling asleep with lit cigarette in hand

Art Garfunkel

Costume: Frizzy head of Semitic curls, black turtleneck, guitar and somber expression

BONUS PROP: A friend with short hair, a black mock turtleneck and a somber expression. Also, bags of parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

C. Montgomery Burns

Costume: Blue suit, pinkish tie, fingers perpetually tented and a whole lot of yellow pancake makeup. Draw some liver spots on the old noggin with a girl’s eye pencil and drink absolutely no water between now and Halloween.

BONUS PROPS: Sycophantic homosexual assistant, male pattern baldness

Kate Plus 8, minus Jon

Costume: Maternity dress stuffed with 8 small pillows and emblazoned with the words “Hot Mama”.  Bad haircut, nasal voice. Grab  the arm of everyone who passes by and tell them that you are in “such a better place now” and that you’re really doing a reality TV show for the benefit of your small children because, honestly? They love it and they got so used to the cameras and it’s kind of the one constant thing in their lives now, you know? I mean along with mom’s new White Zinfandel “hobby”.

BONUS PROP:Free, giant minivan from Oprah

A Man With a Dark Past who Just Moved to a Small Town to Start a New Life but Deep Down Inside Knows that he Can and Will Kill Again

Costume: Jeans, work boots, work shirt, five o’clock shadow, grim expression, furtive glance over his shoulder and an overly formal demeanor with ladies.

BONUS PROP: Faded photograph of beautiful woman and two young children laughing happily in  field of tall grass to be taken out of wallet and looked at intermittently with a tortured facial expression